Chapter 82
Gu Ximian had also been a little out of it recently.
On the first night back home from the neighboring city, she tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. Perhaps it was because she had grown accustomed to someone warm lying beside her for the past two nights, or perhaps it was because she had just learned that Zhuang Chi was addicted to her pheromones, not Lily’s. Whatever the reason, it was related to Zhuang Chi. She didn't know how many things she had mulled over in her mind that night, but they all came down to that one name. Her heart felt as if something fluffy were brushing against it, unable to quiet down. When she got up to wash her face, she saw in the mirror that her ears were pitifully red. No wonder she felt so hot.
But her recent state was different from that night, Gu Ximian thought. Why hasn't Zhuang Chi said anything yet?
Several days had passed, and the “culprit” seemed a bit absent-minded every day, but she made no move. Her daily interactions with Gu Ximian were as lukewarm as ever, showing no intention of discussing any leftover topics.
She was much more honest during her susceptible period, after all. Gu Ximian lowered her eyelids. Back then, she knew how to say things like “I want to kiss you.” What, now that the susceptible period was over, she didn’t want to anymore?
…She had clearly told Zhuang Chi to talk about it later.
Realizing she was getting a bit anxious, Gu Ximian was reluctant to admit it. Before Zhuang Chi’s susceptible period, she would always force herself to check the class schedule to go to the academic building with Zhuang Chi. But after returning this time, she hadn't continued. At first, she suddenly felt embarrassed. Later, she realized that if she didn't ask Zhuang Chi out, the other person wouldn't take the initiative to find her either, and she gradually started to feel sulky. She wanted to blame this mood on Zhuang Chi. Every night in bed, she couldn't help but think, if Zhuang Chi still made no move, she would—
She couldn't do anything either. She could only wait another day.
Waiting and waiting, a week had nearly passed. Seeing that it was almost time to help Zhuang Chi with her pheromone addiction treatment, Gu Ximian found a new reason to console herself. Perhaps by then, Zhuang Chi would become as straightforward as she was during her susceptible period. She had already waited for several days; waiting one more day was no big deal.
Thinking of this, it was hard not to recall the susceptible period they spent together. During that time, Zhuang Chi would answer almost any question. But at the peak of the fever, she spoke less. If Gu Ximian didn't speak to her, she would mostly just call her name very softly, a sound that seemed to rumble hoarsely from her throat, her chest vibrating slightly, calling “Gu Ximian” over and over. It was her full name, spoken so properly, yet it was enough to make Gu Ximian’s heart tremble nonstop.
Only at times like that would Zhuang Chi rarely show a side of herself that she couldn't completely control. She would involuntarily mess up Gu Ximian's collar and, with Gu Ximian's tacit permission, hold her tightly, her hot breath scorching the skin of her neck. Occasionally, when Zhuang Chi turned her head, Gu Ximian would feel a soft touch brush past.
Gu Ximian knew it was an unintentional kiss. Yet every time, she couldn't help but bite her lower lip tightly to suppress the gasp that was about to escape her throat.
Since she called her name like that, Zhuang Chi clearly… must like her a lot, right? Gu Ximian didn't dare to dwell on this memory. She pressed the back of her hand to her already warming cheek, trying hard to maintain a calm state of mind. Why hasn't she come to tell her yet? Were the signals she gave not enough? It couldn't be because the plot hadn't progressed to…
In this regard, Gu Ximian was truly someone who didn't know how to take the initiative.
When had her thoughts ever been in such a mess? She’d had countless pursuers since she was young and received who knows how many confessions and love letters. The love of others had always seemed so easily attainable. How could she have expected that now, when she wanted it, the other person would remain silent? Only today did she realize that such things were not so easy, nor could one's wishes be so easily fulfilled.
But it was okay. What was hers would be hers in the end; it definitely couldn't run away. Gu Ximian forced herself to muster some composure, looked at the two empty seats beside her, and tried to convince herself that she wasn't waiting with such eager anticipation.
This elective was one she shared with Zhuang Chi. It was only once a week, and Gu Ximian always came very early. Her explanation to herself was that she had to come early to save a seat in the back for Zhuang Chi, but in reality, it wasn't necessary. After all, they had been taking this class for two or three months, and they always sat here. Both of them were very famous, so the other students in the class had basically tacitly acknowledged this as their exclusive spot. Even those who arrived earlier than Gu Ximian wouldn't deliberately take it.
But she still had to save them. Unsure who she was explaining it to, Gu Ximian said to herself in her mind, Zhuang Chi and Lu Man always arrived just five minutes before class. If she didn't look out for them, those two would surely have to sit in the front three rows and stare at the professor.
…Speaking of which, even if they always came late, today was exceptionally late. Gu Ximian thought as she checked her phone. There was only one minute left before class. Were they going to arrive right on the dot today?
She felt inexplicably uneasy, debating whether to send Zhuang Chi a message, but then felt that would make her seem too eager. Just as she was hesitating, she finally saw Lu Man dawdling in through the door. Gu Ximian's heart leaped with joy, but she didn't see Zhuang Chi follow her in.
Her brow furrowed. She stared as Lu Man slowly walked over and sat down beside her. Lu Man was clearly avoiding her gaze, and she certainly knew what Gu Ximian's look meant, but for some reason, she seemed to want to speak but hesitated.
Gu Ximian had no choice but to ask, “Where's Zhuang Chi?”
Sweat was about to bead on Lu Man's forehead. She mumbled, “She… is probably skipping class.”
Skipping class? Gu Ximian's brow furrowed even tighter. Zhuang Chi had always been a well-behaved university student and wouldn't skip class unless absolutely necessary, let alone their only shared elective of the week—she suppressed that last part and asked with some concern, “…What's wrong with her? Is she not feeling well?”
“…” Lu Man thought for a good while. She felt that saying it might cause some problems, but hiding it would definitely cause bigger ones. So, she finally braced herself and confessed to Gu Ximian, “…No. Olivia came looking for her to talk about something, so she went with her.”
Zhuang Chi looked at Olivia, who had been silent ever since she sat down beside her, and felt inexplicably nervous.
…Why does this feel like something serious? Zhuang Chi thought. Olivia's expression is so grave. Is everything really okay?
She had originally wanted to talk in a coffee shop or somewhere similar, but Olivia said she wanted to find a place with no one around. In the end, they came to the riverside. Now, the two of them sat on a bench, having been silent for a long time. The atmosphere gradually became strange to Zhuang Chi, and she wasn't sure if she should be the first to break the silence.
“…Yesterday, I was zoning out during the meeting, wasn't I?”
Perhaps having finally prepared herself mentally, Olivia spoke up, her voice soft. “After that, Ling Jing sent me a message, saying that if I had any troubles, I could tell her, and she would help me with anything she could…”
“At that moment, I thought, was I really that obvious? To the point where everyone is starting to worry about me.” As Olivia spoke, she gave a self-deprecating laugh. “…And then I thought, I should probably resolve my troubles as soon as possible. Otherwise, if this continues, it wouldn't be good if it affects my studies and work.”
So Ling Jing did message Olivia after yesterday. What a kind person who doesn't give up until she hits a wall… Zhuang Chi thought, nodding in understanding. She then asked hesitantly, “So… your troubles are related to me?”
Olivia turned to look at her, her eyes seeming to reflect the sky or perhaps the deep sea. It was the first time Zhuang Chi had seen such turbulent emotions in her eyes, but in the end, Olivia just gave a barely audible response: “…Yes.”
After saying that, she didn't continue, as if still hesitating. Zhuang Chi's heart pounded. Racking her brain, she felt that if it wasn't about the Lily incident, it could only be about her susceptible period. She decided to start with the more recent event. “Is it about my susceptible period? I haven't thanked you for that yet—”
“Thank me?” Olivia showed a hint of surprise, then smiled and lowered her head. “…There's nothing to thank me for. I didn't help with anything at all.”
“Don't say that,” Zhuang Chi shook her head. “You were willing to offer a helping hand back then to prevent me from harming my body with an overdose of suppressants. That alone is worthy of my thanks. Thank you.”
“…”
Olivia was quiet for a long while. Her hands, resting on her knees, had unknowingly clenched into fists. When she spoke again, her voice was inexplicably dim. “…Don't say that, Zhuang Chi. I don't deserve your thanks.”
“Back then… it wasn't just because I didn't want you to use suppressants.”
“I'm always like this, finding all sorts of high-sounding excuses. Like how I also bear responsibility for the wrong things Lily did, or that it's just self-punishment and you don't need to worry about it…” Olivia's voice gradually began to tremble. “But this time, I've finally realized. These are all lies. None of them are the real reason I wanted to do it.”
Sensing a certain weighty emotion in her words, Zhuang Chi's eyes widened in astonishment. Olivia's words, like water from an opened floodgate, poured out her innermost thoughts. “At the hospital, when I heard you were addicted to Gu Ximian's pheromones, I said I was ‘crying tears of joy.’ I knew something was wrong with that, but it was only later that I understood exactly what was wrong with that phrase.”
“It wasn't a matter of degree or context; it was wrong from the very root.”
“My strongest emotion at that time wasn't joy,” Olivia took a shallow breath and said softly, “it was jealousy.”
“It's the same, just like that day when she stayed in your room, and I was outside the door. The feeling was the same as that day.”
“…Zhuang Chi,” Olivia called her name, her voice trembling violently, almost mixed with a sob. “I've said a lot of self-deceiving things. I didn't mean to lie to you, I just… I don't know when it started, but my thoughts were no longer the same as they were at the beginning, and I've only just now finally realized it. On the day of your susceptible period, perhaps only one thing I said was truly from the bottom of my heart—I wish I were an Omega.”
“It wasn't about responsibility, it wasn't about helping. I just wanted to be with you myself.”
“Can I like you,” Olivia raised a trembling hand to cover her face, her tone so fearful. She repeated softly, “…Can I like you, Zhuang Chi?”
Gu Ximian leaned against a stone pillar.
Eavesdropping. She thought. Such a despicable act.
At first, she had felt uneasy and guilty, but thinking that now stirred no echo within her. It was as if her mind had gone completely blank with Olivia's words, leaving no thoughts behind, only that apprehensive, confession-like question echoing endlessly.
What “confession-like.” Gu Ximian’s lips curled flatly, then quickly fell. What was this if not a confession? So what if it was a question? Hadn't she already made it perfectly clear?
Spoken with such restraint and forbearance, Zhuang Chi might find it hard to refuse.
At this thought, a very distinct strangeness arose in her heart, as if it were being squeezed tightly, an aching pressure that made even breathing difficult. Gu Ximian wondered why on earth she had come. Why had she impulsively run out of the classroom after asking Lu Man for Zhuang Chi's whereabouts? The class bell had already rung, who knows how many points she would lose from her participation grade for this course, and now she had to stand here and listen to Olivia confess to Zhuang Chi.
What “I wish I were an Omega.” Gu Ximian thought. As if she'd ever been an Omega for a single day. Having grown up as a celebrated Alpha, she probably had no idea that an Omega's situation was worlds apart from an Alpha's. Saying something like that was no better than just saying “I wish I could be the one you choose.” Anyway, Zhuang Chi probably didn't care about such gender issues.
…That's right, someone like Zhuang Chi probably wouldn't care.
Gu Ximian looked at the sky. The weather was beautiful today, yet she felt that for the afternoon, the sun was still too bright. December was so cold. She never knew she could have such deep and dark emotions. Her whole body was damp and cool, whether from sweat or humidity, yet her blood boiled tirelessly. For the first time, she understood how vivid the word “torment” was, as if she were being slowly simmered over a low fire, with no solution and nowhere to hide.
She fled, not daring to stay and listen to Zhuang Chi's response.
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