Chapter 93
This was the first time she had ever been held so tightly.
This was the first thought that popped into her head. Gu Ximian blinked in a daze. She was being held so tightly, and she was already weak to begin with, so she nearly fell backward. Fortunately, the person holding her noticed in time and pulled her back, wrapping her securely in their arms.
In her fifteen years of life, she had never had such intimate contact with anyone. Although her family relationships were harmonious, they didn't express it through physical contact. As for others, Gu Ximian was naturally very wary of them. Thinking back, she couldn't even recall a single memory of properly holding someone's hand, yet now she was being hugged so abruptly.
And she was being hugged by a ball of light. Gu Ximian thought vaguely. It was such a supernatural situation, but from the silhouette and the physical sensation, there was no doubt that a person was hidden beneath the light.
In the past, the tiny ball of light revealed nothing, and Gu Ximian couldn't help but treat Z like some kind of small animal. Now, not only had this person suddenly grown in size, but they could also touch her. Gu Ximian realized that Z was a person, just like her. From the feel of it, she seemed a bit taller than her, a girl with a slender and flexible frame. But at this moment, her entire body was tense, like a startled bird that had not yet calmed down, trembling violently.
Perhaps because of this, Gu Ximian, who should have been unaccustomed to such close contact, hesitated for some reason when she subconsciously raised her hand to her shoulder to push her away, not acting immediately.
“Gu Ximian, don't do anything foolish. I know you're not feeling well, that you're in a lot of pain, but… Gu Ximian…”
The voice in her ear trembled just like the body, panicked and helpless, almost on the verge of sobbing, which managed to pull Gu Ximian out of her feverish haze with a bit of clarity. She sluggishly recalled what had just happened and realized what Z meant by "foolish." She wanted to explain to Z that she wasn't trying to commit suicide, just destroy her glands, but she first heard the other person's broken voice, the pain as if weeping blood transmitted without any concealment: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry… Gu Ximian, you've done nothing wrong. It's my fault, I'm sorry…”
The scene from just moments ago was still vivid in her mind. If she hadn't been here, if Gu Ximian hadn't opened the door for her, then Gu Ximian would have been left alone to pick up that knife—such terrible imaginings kept unfolding in her mind. Zhuang Chi was barely aware of what she was saying or doing; she only felt fear and pain. To watch the person you love suffer from illness was already the most heart-wrenching thing in the world, to be powerless, to have no recourse—what's more, Gu Ximian's current suffering was entirely caused by her, Zhuang Chi. She had even lost the right to pray to any god or Buddha for Gu Ximian's well-being.
The overwhelming guilt had no outlet, threatening to crush Zhuang Chi in an instant. She couldn't stop the bitterness from rising, and finally, tears fell. Tears were useless for anything other than venting emotions, a fact Zhuang Chi knew very well, but she couldn't stop them no matter what. She felt pathetic. The one who was truly suffering hadn't even cried yet, Zhuang Chi thought, so why was she the one crying her eyes out on the other's shoulder?
At that moment, Gu Ximian slowly raised her hand and, with some uncertainty, gently placed it on her back, patting it a little awkwardly.
“…Why are you crying,” Gu Ximian's voice came from beside her ear, weak and tinged with confusion, “and why are you saying it's your fault?”
Zhuang Chi's mind was a blank slate. The proximity of the voice made her realize that she was currently holding Gu Ximian tightly. Her first thought was how rude she was being to the fifteen-year-old Gu Ximian. She let go of Gu Ximian's waist in a fluster, but a corner of her heart worried that if she let go completely, Gu Ximian might still try to pick up the utility knife. So her hands remained hovering, and she didn't retreat too far, only lifting her head from Gu Ximian's shoulder and looking over in a daze.
Her vision was blurred by tears, making even Gu Ximian's face indistinct, unable to see her expression. Zhuang Chi only remembered the question Gu Ximian had just asked her. All sorts of emotions were overflowing in her heart, getting stuck in her throat. Her mind, completely occupied by the chaotic feelings, had lost any thought of concealment. She trembled as she opened her mouth, intending to confess her original sin, and in the instant she made a sound, she suddenly understood.
“Because I was the one who caused you to differentiate into an S-class Omega,” Zhuang Chi said, feeling a sense of calm at this moment. “…This world is a novel. Gu Ximian, I am the Author. You are the female protagonist I wrote. I was the one who set you as an S-class Omega.”
Even through her undried tears, she could see the astonishment forming on Gu Ximian's face. Zhuang Chi's heart was filled with mixed feelings. She now understood why the eighteen-year-old Gu Ximian knew this world was a novel, and why she had said at the ball that she wanted to meet the author once. Once these words were out, there was no need to stop. Zhuang Chi took a deep breath, the bitterness in her throat surging up again, mangling her subsequent words into fragments: “…I'm sorry, but back then, I didn't want to make you sad. I didn't know being an S-class Omega would be this hard, I…”
“…If only I could suffer in your place.”
No amount of explanation was useful. Her thoughts had turned over several times, but in the end, all that came out was such a pale statement. Zhuang Chi knew how easily these words could be misinterpreted as insincere, as a trivial expression of concern in the face of an established fact, but only she knew how truly she meant them. She was the one who had done wrong, not Gu Ximian. She had long wished she could suffer in Gu Ximian's stead. Whether it was the Notebook or any god, if it said it could grant this wish, Zhuang Chi would beg for it without hesitation, no matter the cost.
“Regarding the fact that your susceptible period is so painful that even inhibitors don't work, and regarding the harm those plots I rashly wrote would bring you…” Zhuang Chi said with a trembling voice. It was quiet all around, and her voice was soft yet resounding. “…I should be the one to take full responsibility for all of it.”
As the last word was spoken, Zhuang Chi suddenly felt an indescribable, strange sensation. It was like a stone dropped into the center of a lake, creating ripples. A certain change was quietly spreading, starting from the fingertips where she and Gu Ximian were touching, slowly extending to her chest.
It was as if a silent wildfire had ignited within her body, instantly burning everywhere. An unbearable itching and numbness spread through the seams of her bones. Zhuang Chi subconsciously took a deep breath, but no matter what she did, she couldn't resist the suffocating feeling, like drowning, as if the fire had burned away even the oxygen. And yet, this feeling was not unfamiliar to her.
Susceptible period. Zhuang Chi thought vaguely. During her own susceptible period, when two shots of inhibitor had no effect and she hadn't yet received Gu Ximian's help, this was exactly how she had felt.
But of course, she wouldn't simply attribute her current condition to her susceptible period coincidentally arriving at this moment. A thought flashed through Zhuang Chi's mind. She forced herself to look up at the person before her, suppressing the tremble in her voice to avoid sounding strange, and asked softly, “…How are you feeling now? Is it still very painful?”
“…” Clearly still confused by what she had just heard, Gu Ximian first shook her head hesitantly and said uncertainly, “It seems to have suddenly gotten not so… maybe this heat wave has already passed…”
How could that be possible? It had been at most ten minutes since Gu Ximian's heat had started. There was no way it could subside so quickly.
Zhuang Chi's physical condition was worsening by the second, yet her mind gained a sliver of clarity. She thought back on everything that had happened since she came to this world. She could find her favorite books in Gu Ximian's house when she was bored, a whole box of chalk would appear when she needed something to throw at a rude Alpha, she suddenly became able to touch Gu Ximian when she wanted to stop her from harming herself, and now, after saying she wanted to suffer in Gu Ximian's place—it seemed to have actually come true.
She blinked in a daze, a flash of lightning seeming to cross her mind. Zhuang Chi didn't know if her guess was correct, but at this point, she felt it was worth believing in it once. She took a deep breath and looked at Gu Ximian, who was still processing the information from before.
“Gu Ximian,” Zhuang Chi began, trying her best to keep her voice steady. She thought very hard, as devout as if she were saying a prayer, “You will have a very good, very happy future. Your whole life will be smooth and peaceful.”
Zhuang Chi wanted to say more, but she had been feeling her strength draining away since a moment ago—perhaps not physical strength, since her current form didn't get tired, but something harder to describe… like her sense of existence.
A strange feeling mingled with the discomfort of the heat wave surged up. She didn't know if it was because she had told Gu Ximian that this world was a novel or something else, but Zhuang Chi suddenly realized that she probably couldn't stay in this world for much longer. She could only seize the time she had, desperately trying to think of what more important things needed to be said.
“No one will ever hurt you again, you will be loved by this world,” her voice started to become intermittent, the static in her ears like an old, neglected phonograph. A premonition of falling from a great height came over her. Zhuang Chi bit her lip hard. She thought about the full three years between the ages of fifteen and eighteen, and how she could no longer stay. There was no way to verify if what she was saying now would even work. So she took a deep breath and, through her uncontrollable trembling, added, “…Also, whatever power I have, I now transfer it to you.”
“Change the world according to your own ideas, Gu Ximian.” Physiological tears streamed down due to the immense strange sensation, yet Zhuang Chi smiled. She looked at Gu Ximian, and in her blurry vision, that beautiful face was exceptionally clear. She raised her hand and gently patted Gu Ximian's head. “When I'm not here, whatever you want, think about it seriously, say it out loud. Your wishes, will all—”
Her consciousness cut off at that moment. It was a feeling she had experienced for the second time, as if the ground beneath her feet had suddenly vanished, and then darkness surged up, swallowing her into a seemingly endless fall.
When she opened her eyes again this time, it was to pitch blackness.
At the same time, her entire body was hot, giving Zhuang Chi the dazed illusion that she was in her susceptible period. But she soon realized this heat was different from a susceptible period; it was a simpler heat, one that made her head feel muddled—it seemed she had a fever.
Her consciousness and vision were still hazy. Zhuang Chi blinked slowly, realizing she seemed to be lying on a bed. The memories from before she lost consciousness gradually flooded back, making her heart ache dully again. Zhuang Chi wasn't sure what the situation was now, worried that she might have traveled to an even earlier time. She anxiously tried to sit up to check her surroundings, but as soon as she moved her head, the high fever made the world spin. Before she could recover, she felt a slight movement from the side of the bed, followed by a louder sound, as if someone had stood up in a panic. Then, with a click, the bedside lamp was turned on. The bright white light shone over, and Zhuang Chi instinctively squinted.
“…Zhuang Chi…?”
Her eyes hadn't adjusted to the light yet, but she couldn't help but force them open upon hearing the call. Zhuang Chi hurriedly turned toward the source of the voice. In the slightly glaring light, she saw a silhouette, which then became clearer and clearer.
She saw Gu Ximian, the eighteen-year-old Gu Ximian. She was still wearing her gown from the Christmas Ball, but the once magnificent and elegant skirt now just trailed behind her. Paired with the expression on Gu Ximian's face, which looked like she wanted to both cry and laugh, she looked like a runaway princess, disheveled yet beautiful.
Zhuang Chi stared at her, as if to engrave Gu Ximian's image into her eyes.
She knew she would make her worry. Zhuang Chi thought.
So many emotions were stuck in her chest, Zhuang Chi didn't know where to begin. She could only smile gently at Gu Ximian, and as she smiled, tears fell.
“…Your wishes will all come true.” Zhuang Chi said softly, “I'm sorry I couldn't finish saying it back then.”
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