Chapter 13: What Does Liking Someone Feel Like?
On Gao Yunqu's list, there were not many loyal and upright officials in the Censorate worth her time to speak with and encourage individually. Half of the rest were parasites who held their posts without doing any work, scrambling for personal gain, while the other half were people who simply went with the flow. The former would have to be dismissed sooner or later, and the latter needed to be shown what they ought to be doing.
Even so, Gao Yunqu was busy right up until the sealing of the offices for the New Year. It was Fang Jian's first time away from Xilin County, and her first time spending the New Year with Gao Yunqu.
"A'jian, you should write the spring couplets," Gao Yunqu called out.
"Me?" Fang Jian was a little surprised. "Aren't you going to write them yourself, my lord?"
"Mmm... I'm tired and don't feel like it." Gao Yunqu had a rare, languid air about her, wrapped in furs and holding a hand warmer as she watched Gao Yuan direct the servants in their work.
Upon hearing this, Fang Jian laid out the paper and ink. Her calligraphy had been personally taught by Gao Yunqu, and whether it was a case of being influenced by her company or a conscious effort to imitate, her style bore some resemblance to Gao Yunqu's. Gao Yunqu watched from the side with great interest.
Outside, Xiuzhu was busy hanging lanterns, Gao Yuan was directing the young servants in sweeping and cleaning, and Gao Ying was leading people to carry New Year's goods into the residence. In the distance, the sound of firecrackers echoed and the markets bustled. The Capital City was beginning to fill with the atmosphere of the New Year.
With nothing to do during the New Year festival, Gao Yunqu pulled Fang Jian into playing everything from chess to pitch-pot to card games. Fang Jian discovered that Gao Yunqu was skilled at whatever they played. Fang Jian, along with Gao Yuan, Gao Ying, and the other personal attendants, could not beat her; she won with effortless grace. Gao Yuan and Gao Ying protested that their lord was too good and they couldn't play anymore, so after a few rounds, Gao Yunqu stopped playing and let them play among themselves.
Fang Jian also withdrew after playing for a while and sat down beside Gao Yunqu to watch with her. Gao Yunqu treated her like a child, grabbing a handful of snacks and placing them in her hand, leaving Fang Jian not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
Gao Yunqu watched her attendants play with narrowed eyes, laughing along during the exciting and dramatic moments. In private, she was actually a very approachable person most of the time. She wasn't harsh with her servants; in her presence, Gao Yuan, Gao Ying, and even Xiuzhu didn't feel such a strict distinction between master and servant.
Fang Jian secretly raised her eyes to look at her, but didn't dare to look for too long. Her gaze would meet Gao Yunqu's for an instant before she quickly pulled it back, repeating this over and over. Gao Yunqu soon noticed. She glanced at her with a smile and said, "A'jian, is there something you want to say to me?"
Fang Jian hesitated for a moment, then said in one breath, "My lord, do you have plans for the Lantern Festival?"
"No," Gao Yunqu waved her hand and smiled again. "I'm all alone in this world. Who would invite me to see the lanterns on the festival?"
Fang Jian's eyes lit up at her words. She mustered her courage and said, "Then... then would you be willing to go with me, my lord?"
"Hmm? A'jian, aren't you going with your classmates?"
"...Xinmeng probably has company..." Fang Jian thought for a moment, then gritted her teeth and said, "I want to go with you, my lord."
"Me?" Gao Yunqu considered it. "Alright, I'll take you. A'jian, you must not have seen the capital's lantern market before."
Fang Jian had indeed never seen the capital's lantern market. In previous years in Xilin County, she had gone to see the lanterns with her parents or classmates, but how could a county town compare to the Capital City? The crowds were a sea of people, the traffic was endless, fiery trees and silver flowers bloomed, and the lights were magnificent. But what was most different was the person by her side. It was the way she strolled leisurely with a hand warmer, speaking of the past and present. It was the smile she wore as she effortlessly solved a lantern riddle and handed over the prize-winning lantern. It was the arm that wrapped around her shoulder when a stream of carriages passed, and then let go. It was the warm touch of her hand grasping her wrist in the crowd.
"Don't get lost," she heard that person say.
Fang Jian's heart felt as if it were being squeezed tight, an aching bitterness that made her want to cry.
My lord, don't be so good to me.
My lord, I think I might like you a little.
My lord, what on earth am I to you?
"Why are you crying? Are you homesick?" They had their backs to the crowd and had walked to a pavilion by the water's edge, the clamor gradually fading into the distance. Gao Yunqu turned and saw the tears on Fang Jian's face.
"No. I don't know either." Hearing her, Fang Jian touched her own cheek, somewhat bewildered.
Gao Yunqu gently wiped away her tears. "You're a grown-up now. Why are you still acting like a child?"
Fang Jian didn't dare to speak her heart, so she brazenly embraced her in the midst of that gentleness, burying her face in her shoulder. Even if only for a moment, even if she was treated as a child, she wanted to indulge in and absorb the warmth and contentment of this moment.
Gao Yunqu's thoughts faltered for a second. They rarely shared such a non-carnal embrace, and Fang Jian had a strong and independent personality, seldom needing her to worry. She hesitated for a moment, then raised a hand to gently stroke her back as a gesture of comfort.
She's still just a child, after all.
The moon rose over the willow branches, and the water murmured. In the distance, the sound of phoenix flutes stirred, and fish and dragons danced. Amidst the brilliant fireworks that filled the sky, who was it that hid their youthful feelings, and whose two hearts were pressed so close, yet remained so far apart?
Fang Jian hid her feelings extremely well. She had never forgotten what Gao Yunqu had once told her to remember, so naturally, she didn't dare let Gao Yunqu know. Gao Yunqu was extremely busy and had no mind to pay her any attention; even the times she checked her schoolwork became fewer. So Fang Jian buried herself in her studies, trying to use busyness to conceal her feelings.
"Linshen, has Lord Gao given you extra assignments? You seem especially busy lately." Cui Miao was a little perplexed watching her study with such fierce determination.
"No," Fang Jian replied. "I just feel a bit empty inside and always want to find something to do."
Cui Miao had been in high spirits lately. She often went to the Eldest Princess's estate on her days off, and they were in the inseparable, honey-sweet phase of their relationship. It was only when she snapped out of her own daze that she felt something was off with Fang Jian.
Seeing that she was in a good mood, Fang Jian asked, "Xinmeng, have you found someone you fancy?"
Cui Miao grinned upon hearing this. "Is it that obvious?"
"Yes. You're always smiling, you'll start smiling while in the middle of your homework, you're always running outside, and when you come back, you're humming a little tune..."
"Alright, alright, stop talking. Ahem. I'll be more restrained from now on."
"Xinmeng, what does it feel like to like someone?" Fang Jian asked, propping her chin on her hand.
"Liking someone means you're always thinking about them, you always want to make them happy, you always want to be together, and you always want to be intimate with them." Cui Miao savored the thought for a moment, her expression softening, the smile on her lips unstoppable. "Ah, wait. Linshen, do you have someone you like?"
Fang Jian didn't answer her, but continued to ask, "What if there's a huge gap between you and them? What would you do then?"
Cui Miao stopped smiling. How could the gap between her and Wei Zhi not be huge? She thought for a moment and said with determination, "Then I'll just walk faster, so I can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her sooner."
Fang Jian seemed to have found some clarity.
She spent several times more effort on completing Gao Yunqu's assignments, on socializing with different people, on exploring and inquiring, piecing together a picture of the Great Zhou's imperial court bit by bit. She learned to read people, from commoners to students to high officials and nobles. Gao Yunqu was pleasantly surprised by her sudden enlightenment and began to expose her to more things. In that study, Gao Yunqu would tell her about the people and affairs of the court, and would also have her help organize documents or handle trivial matters. Afterward, she would take what she had learned and discuss it with Cui Miao, who would in turn share the news she heard from her mother or Wei Zhi. The two young friends would analyze the current political ills and discuss the state of the empire in their dormitory at the Imperial Academy.
They were still too young, but it was precisely because they were young that they still had infinite possibilities.
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