Chapter 22: Romantic Thoughts
Upon first arriving at the Censorate, Fang Jian was busy for a spell, but she adapted quickly and got along well enough with her colleagues. Every rest day, she would go to Gao Yunqu's residence, paying her respects like an ordinary student visiting her teacher. She would accompany her teacher in a game of chess or in admiring the flowers, and she would also speak of her duties at the Censorate and listen to her teacher's guidance. Gao Yunqu treated her with the same warmth as ever, yet she maintained a certain distance—not too far, not too close, never overstepping. It was as if all that had happened between them in bed had never existed.
The more it was like this, the more melancholic Fang Jian became. What am I, then? Do I hold not a shred of importance in your heart? Can the past five years truly be erased so easily? Every time she saw Gao Yunqu's gratified and tolerant smile, the smile of an elder, her heart felt as if it had been carved by a knife. Something inside her seemed to be roaring, about to burst from its cage, a voice screaming: This is not what I want!
But what was it that she wanted? Fang Jian grew confused about herself. She instinctively wanted to be close to Gao Yunqu, even if it meant taking the posture of a humble pet; she wouldn't mind. But what did that mean? Was this love? Cui Miao said love was always thinking of a person, always wanting to be with them. But Fang Jian felt that what she wanted was more than that. Her soul was like an untamed beast, incessantly clamoring to possess her, to tear at her, to make her submit.
"A'jian?" Gao Yunqu, who was walking ahead, turned back to look at her when she noticed she hadn't kept up.
"Coming, Teacher." She pulled herself from her daze and confusion, replying to Gao Yunqu with composure.
She disguised it well, not letting Gao Yunqu notice a thing.
Fortunately, she was not agonizing over this alone. Ever since they had exchanged secrets, she and Cui Miao often drank together. The little secrets they both held could not be spoken of to others, so when they were distressed, they could only confide in each other.
"Xinmeng, is love about being good to someone? Why do I always have some... not-so-good thoughts?"
"...What are they?"
"To offend, to possess, and even to defile. I want her eyes to see only me. I want her to sink into depravity with me." Fang Jian took several large gulps of wine before she found the courage to say these words.
Cui Miao stared at Fang Jian. It was clear that Fang Jian had been troubled by this for a long time. Her gaze made Cui Miao feel a little embarrassed. The tips of her feet shifted under the table, and she quietly turned away, not daring to look at her, leaving only a crimson ear visible to Fang Jian.
"What's wrong with that? Who doesn't want more?" Cui Miao sighed.
Hearing this, Fang Jian whipped her head around to look at her. "You too?"
Cui Miao rolled the wine cup in her hand, her eyes downcast. "At first, I just thought it was enough to be together. My heart and mind were completely filled with her. But slowly, I started wanting more. I wanted her to always be with me, I wanted her to only have eyes for me, and I couldn't bear to see her jesting with others. Sometimes, I even think it would be better to just lock her up at home. That way, only I would know how wonderful she is..."
Cui Miao and Wei Zhi had been together for four years, but they were not always in each other's company. Cui Miao had her studies at the Imperial Academy, and Wei Zhi had her own lessons assigned by Wei Qi. In the beginning, the two young women's ardent hearts were tightly linked, but flames will always flicker, growing larger or smaller for various reasons. Wei Zhi liked her, but she was not the only one in Wei Zhi's life. She had the responsibility of entering the court, the duty of observing politics, friends to travel with, and all sorts of amusements. After Her Majesty had the imperial firstborn daughter, she also had to visit the palace often to look after her. As the Eldest Princess, Wei Zhi's world was vast.
Then one day, Cui Miao looked back and realized that Wei Zhi had not summoned her for a long time. She grew a little panicked and sent a note to the Eldest Princess's estate. Wei Zhi then sent someone to call for her. She went with great excitement. Upon entering the main hall of the Eldest Princess's estate, she saw Wei Zhi sitting on the high seat, waiting for her. There was no one else in the hall. Cui Miao stood at the entrance, tilting her head up slightly to look at Wei Zhi. Wei Zhi seemed to have just returned from the palace, still dressed in her purple official robe. She looked like a different person. Cui Miao respectfully lowered her head and walked forward, step by step. The short distance felt as if it took half a lifetime to cross. She had never so clearly realized how far apart she and Wei Zhi were.
When she reached Wei Zhi's side, Wei Zhi took her hand and chided, "Why don't you look at me?"
Cui Miao glanced up at her and said, "Your Highness is so beautiful that this servant dares not look directly."
"Such a smooth-tongue." Wei Zhi smiled, and her bright, charming appearance once again resembled the her she knew from ordinary days.
Cui Miao smiled as well. Wei Zhi told her of the frustrations of observing politics at court these past days, saying the lords of the Ministry of Rites were all rigid and stubborn old men, that Her Majesty no longer indulged her in play and had started pushing her to improve, and had even reprimanded her today... The girl in the purple robe toyed with Cui Miao's fingers, chattering on about her affairs. Cui Miao was pulled by her to sit together on the high seat. It was the throne belonging to the Eldest Princess, and she sat somewhat uneasily, but Wei Zhi held her in place. She looked at the slender neck exposed by Wei Zhi's bound-up hair and official hat, and as if possessed, she pressed her lips against it. Wei Zhi froze for a moment, then reached up, took off her cumbersome official hat, tossed it aside, and turned to embrace Cui Miao, kissing her.
Wei Zhi's kiss was still fervent, but Cui Miao tasted a hint of bitterness. She closed her eyes and let Wei Zhi press her down onto the throne. The tip of her tongue pried open her teeth, urgently invading her mouth and pushing out the air within, causing her breathing to quicken and the corners of her eyes to redden. Wei Zhi hastily undid her clothes and slipped a hand inside. Cui Miao let her, feeling her hand roam over her body. In a moment, she had been stripped clean by Wei Zhi, while Wei Zhi herself remained properly dressed in her first-rank purple court robe. She pulled Cui Miao into her arms, the fiery, naked body pressing against the cold brocade, making her tremble. Wei Zhi softly coaxed her to open her legs. She clung tightly to Wei Zhi, closed her eyes, and did as she was told. And so day turned to night, the clouds and rain poured forth, spring waters rushed, and a jade-like body lay in disarray. Cui Miao's trembling tears fell onto Wei Zhi's purple robe, silently melting into the fabric without a trace.
Wei Zhi saw her tears and asked nervously, "What is it? Did I hurt you?"
Cui Miao shook her head, tears in her eyes. Wei Zhi moved closer, pressing her face against hers in silent comfort. Cui Miao lay on her back, staring at the patterns on the ceiling, feeling her chest ache with a sour pang.
Your Highness, what am I to you?
No one could give them the answers they sought. The two young women dared not let the ones they loved know what they were thinking, so they could only lament spring and grieve autumn together, drowning their sorrows in wine. By the time they parted, Cui Miao was already a little drunk and had to be supported by her attendant on her way back.
Fang Jian could hold her liquor better. Though she drank more, she was still sober. She lay on a lounge chair in the courtyard, her hands placed properly in front of her, staring blankly at the heavy night sky.
A cloak was shaken open and draped over her. She turned her head and saw Xiuzhu.
"Young Lady, it's still chilly out. Don't catch a cold," Xiuzhu said to her. When they had moved, Xiuzhu had tried to change her form of address to "Lord," but it had left Fang Jian in a daze for a long while. Afterward, she ordered everyone not to change how they addressed her, so Xiuzhu continued to call her as she always had.
"Xiuzhu, how long have you been at the Gao estate?"
"More than ten years, I suppose. When I was young, my hometown suffered a disaster, and I lost my parents. I was abducted by traffickers and sold to several families before finally ending up at the Gao estate." Xiuzhu stood beside her, feeling a bit emotional as she recalled the past.
"What kind of person is my lord?"
"A good person," Xiuzhu said resolutely. "I've been in many households, and the Gao family treats its servants the best. No harsh rebukes, no beatings, warm clothes, and full meals. My lord even told those of us who serve her closely not to call ourselves slaves or servants in her presence. My lord treats us as people."
"Yes, of course she is exceedingly good." Fang Jian turned her head back to gaze at the night sky. She knew better than anyone how good Gao Yunqu was.
"But I always feel that my lord is very lonely," Xiuzhu said, looking at her. "She lost her mother in her teens, and later, when she entered the court and became an official, she was always alone. She doesn't even have many friends. No partner, no heirs, no attachments. It's as if she's an immortal who has descended to the mortal world and could cast everything aside to return to the heavens at any moment."
"When you are by her side, my lord smiles so much more." She paused, gathering her courage, and said to Fang Jian, "Young Lady, if you want to do something, just do it. You are also very good."
Their affair with Gao Yunqu could be hidden from outsiders, but not from their personal attendants. Gao Yunqu had controlled the knowledge to a very small circle, and Xiuzhu happened to be one of those permitted to know. There were even times when Xiuzhu, while helping Fang Jian bathe and dress, would see the ambiguous marks on her body. Both Gao Yunqu and Fang Jian trusted her and did not avoid her for most matters. Thus, she knew a great deal, and she was well aware of what Fang Jian was thinking.
"Mm..." Fang Jian responded softly, raising a sleeve to cover her face.
Xiuzhu quietly withdrew, leaving behind only a soft sigh.
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