Chapter 21: Wanting You
Song Hemei felt a momentary tremor in her heart, which made her face turn pale.
He was quite far away, and she could only see Yu Yeqing's dark eyes. Whether it was an illusion or not, she felt as if his pace had slowed slightly upon seeing her.
After the initial turmoil in her chest, she felt a stifling pressure. She hastily averted her gaze, no longer meeting his eyes.
Seeing him felt like confronting her own impropriety, her indulgence, and the stubbornness she refused to relinquish. But today, she had gathered up the loose hair of an unmarried daughter, docilely letting her mother hold her hand, bowing her head to the current circumstances.
She didn't want to look at him; she was ashamed to see the self of yesterday.
"Mei'er, what's wrong?"
Her mother probably sensed the stiffness in her body, afraid she might back out at this last moment. She quickly squeezed her hand. "Let's be good. Today, just give the Shao family some face. We've been getting along for so many years, and Madam Shao hasn't treated you badly. She's always sending you nice things. Do it for her, and don't make a scene."
Song Hemei closed her eyes. "I understand."
Mother Song hummed in acknowledgment, escorted her to the side door and onto the carriage. She watched anxiously as the carriage disappeared at the mouth of the alley before returning to the residence.
Outsiders knew nothing of the turmoil surrounding this marriage. To avoid being seen on the way to the Shao residence, they had chosen a very simple carriage, quite different from the usual Song family conveyances.
Song Hemei sat upright inside. It seemed from the moment she had put on these clothes of a new bride and combed her hair into a woman's bun, she had been trapped within. In the days before her marriage, she might have thought this was a sweet burden, but now she felt every part of it choking her, making it hard to breathe.
It felt as if only by tearing off the heavy hair ornaments and ripping open the tight frog buttons at her neck could she come back to life.
But she couldn't do that.
The distance between the two residences wasn't far, but the journey felt unbearably long. Her frown deepened. When they finally arrived, she took several deep breaths to soften her expression before stepping down from the carriage.
Her two personal maids, who had remained at the Shao residence, were already waiting at the side gate. As soon as she set foot on the footstool, they came forward together to support her, their faces full of joy.
Song Hemei took their hands in return and asked with concern, "Have the Shao family treated you poorly these past few days?"
Both shook their heads. Yin'er was the first to speak cheerfully, "The Young Master personally instructed them to take good care of us. Everyone in the inner courtyard treats us with respect. Miss, the Young Master is doing this to give you face."
Jin'er, who was usually more steady, leaned in and lowered her voice to ask, "Miss, now that you're back, will you be leaving again?"
Song Hemei steadied herself and answered firmly, "Yes."
Jin'er looked worried but didn't ask further. Yin'er, however, said indignantly, "It's too good for that Cao Lingchun! Originally, they said they would send her back to the estate so she wouldn't offend your eyes. But while you were gone, I don't know how they discussed it, but they decided to keep her in the residence to stabilize the pregnancy, saying it wouldn't be too late to deal with her once you returned."
Song Hemei glanced at the two girls beside her. They too hoped she would stay, unwilling to let what was rightfully hers be taken even a little.
She said nothing, only walked slowly into the Shao residence, heading straight for Madam Zhang's courtyard.
Officials' households had strict rules, and each courtyard usually had many servants. But today, Madam Zhang's courtyard was sparsely populated. Presumably, the staff had been sent to the front hall for the banquet. She waited briefly in the courtyard before a maid came to lead her into the main room.
Madam Zhang was looking over account books. Seeing her enter, she quickly put everything down and waved at her with a smile. "Mei'er, you're back? Come, come sit by Mother."
Song Hemei inevitably felt awkward and constrained.
The marriage had become a complete mess. She hadn't even served the formal tea as a daughter-in-law. Under any circumstance, she shouldn't be called "Mother" yet.
But just as her own mother had said, Madam Zhang had always treated her well—not only before the marriage but even now, after all this trouble, she remained warm and close.
Even so, she would still put another woman in her son's bed. She would still let Cao Lingchun keep the child in her belly.
But in the end, what right did she have to make too many demands of Madam Zhang?
No matter how close they were, it could never surpass the bond with a grandson or a biological son. A daughter-in-law was ultimately different from a daughter.
Song Hemei forced a smile and stepped closer. Her hand was immediately taken. "Good child. Later, I'll take you to meet everyone. All the guests today are relatives of the Shao clan. You'll be dealing with them often in the future."
Pausing, Madam Zhang's gaze fell on the two maids behind her. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she dabbed the corner of her nose with her handkerchief. "Mei'er, everyone we see today is family. You know our Shao family values refinement and etiquette. If you go around flaunting gold and silver, it will inevitably invite gossip. I've taken the liberty of giving your two maids new names."
Madam Zhang pointed. "Jin'er shall be called Chunhui, and Yin'er shall be called Suhui. It matches the words 'gold' and 'silver' nicely."
She stated this plainly, without any intent to consult her. She had directly overridden her authority as the mistress and made the decision.
Song Hemei looked up at her, understanding clearly that this was a jab at her merchant background.
But the Shao family, ever since their ancestor made a mistake and was demoted to Changzhou, only Senior Lord Shao's branch had gained official status. The rest were nothing but poor relatives; few had studied much. How could they call themselves a family of refinement and etiquette?
Back then, if the Shao clan hadn't been impoverished, they wouldn't have thought of befriending the Song family. Now that they had risen in the world, they were acting as if all their relatives had ascended to heaven with them. They looked down on her origins, and even her maids' names were deemed offensive.
Song Hemei knew she should swallow her pride and maintain appearances.
But she had held back this anger until she could no longer contain it. The resentment deep inside drove her to speak. "Jin'er and Yin'er are names I'm used to calling. Changing them or not doesn't matter much. After all, if someone really wants to gossip, changing a name won't stop them. Don't you think?"
This remark put Madam Zhang on the spot. Her expression stiffened instantly.
Song Hemei didn't want to argue with her, nor did she want to call her 'Mother.' She simply faced her with a faint smile on her lips, waiting for her to steer the conversation elsewhere.
Madam Zhang was clearly displeased, but after staring at her for a long while, she said nothing. She took her hand and said, "Let's go to the front hall first. They're all waiting to see the new bride."
Song Hemei let herself be led away. The front hall was divided into inner and outer sections—male guests outside, female guests inside. Madam Zhang took her to greet a few of her close lady friends, and then those who wished to curry favor came forward to pay their respects.
Back and forth, she smiled until her face felt stiff. Not until she had more or less met everyone did Madam Zhang instruct her to go check on the kitchen. Even while ordering her about, she didn't forget to praise her in front of the others. "My daughter-in-law is the most capable and considerate. She keeps the inner household in perfect order. With Wen'ang having her to take care of him, I can finally take a bit of a rest."
At these words, the other ladies naturally chimed in with flattery, heaping all sorts of virtuous and sensible praises upon her.
Song Hemei had never handled the affairs of the Shao household before, but the Song family ran several restaurants. If she couldn't even manage a banquet for the inner quarters, it would truly be a disgrace to her merchant-bred skills.
But after being ordered about several times, she finally understood the rules of the Shao family—
The mother-in-law sat comfortably entertaining the guests, while the daughter-in-law ran back and forth making all the arrangements.
She was being bossed around like a housekeeper, busy for the sake of relatives all bearing the Shao name. All she got in return were praises that couldn't buy a single copper coin, and the expectation that she would keep working for more of those same praises.
Frustration welled up inside Song Hemei. On one hand, she remembered her father's words from yesterday—since she had chosen to bow her head, she should see it through to the end, so as not to have come to the Shao residence for nothing.
On the other hand, she found this life utterly ridiculous. If she hadn't grown cold toward Shao Wen'ang, would she have been dazzled by these praises that seemed to acknowledge her worth? Would she have then smugly worn the title of a Shao family lady, running herself ragged for people who meant nothing to her?
Some things couldn't be thought about too deeply. The more she thought, the more she felt fear and disgust.
As she walked back and forth between the front hall and the rear courtyard, it was only natural that she would run into people she didn't want to see.
On one of her countless trips from the storeroom, she happened to see Cao Lingchun, supported by a maidservant, slowly waddling past with her protruding belly.
Before she could react, Cao Lingchun caught sight of her. Her eyes went wide, and her whole body stiffened as if she'd seen a ghost.
Song Hemei couldn't help but frown.
Why was she acting like she'd seen demons from the underworld? Did she think she would deliberately cause trouble?
She didn't want to bother with her and planned to turn away as if she hadn't seen her. But Cao Lingchun deliberately came closer, stopped beside her, and despite her difficulty, forced herself into a bow. "This servant greets the Madam."
Cao Lingchun was afraid of her. The moment she saw her, her heart pounded wildly. She feared she might actually lose this child. Miscarrying at this stage could very well cost her life too.
She put on a fawning smile. "The Madam has finally returned. These past days, the Young Master has been constantly thinking of you. He even calls your name in his dreams."
Song Hemei stared at her, trying to figure out whether she was trying to ingratiate herself or provoke her.
Calling her name in his dreams—how would Cao Lingchun know that?
If he was in the same bed as Cao Lingchun and still calling out her name, wasn't that a deliberate attempt to disgust her?
Song Hemei didn't want to deal with her, but Cao Lingchun persisted, following her to talk. "The Young Master has already punished this servant. Everything was this servant's fault. This servant also prays every day for the Madam's swift return. The Young Master's courtyard awaits the Madam to come back and take charge."
She kept her posture low, saying exactly the kinds of things a matron of the house would want to hear.
But Song Hemei, who had been ordered around like a housekeeper all day, didn't want to hear it. The words sounded to her like: Shao Wen'ang's courtyard is full of tasks just waiting for you to come and handle them.
Her frown deepened. She put on a stern face and spoke coldly to send her away. "I advise you to be careful with the child and stop following me everywhere. It would be a small matter if you were jostled, but a big one if an outsider sees your belly and realizes that your Young Master fathered a child during the mourning period."
Instead of sending her away, these words seemed to snap the taut string of Cao Lingchun's nerves. Her face went white, and she immediately fell to her knees, tears welling up in her eyes. "This servant begs the Madam to spare my life! This servant asks for nothing, only to keep this child and serve the Madam faithfully in the future."
Song Hemei didn't want to be entangled with her. She lifted her foot to leave, but Cao Lingchun refused to let go, directly throwing herself forward and clutching her calf.
She didn't dare move now. If she forced her way out and caused Cao Lingchun to fall, and something happened, wouldn't it be blamed on her?
Song Hemei gritted her teeth. "Get up first."
Cao Lingchun still clung tightly to her calf, her tears staining Song Hemei's dress. "This servant begs the Madam, for the sake of past affections, to spare this servant."
If she hadn't brought up past affections, it might have been different. But the mention of it sent a chill of bone-deep cold and unbearable disgust through Song Hemei. She spoke while barely restraining her anger. "How dare you speak of past affections? Was I not good enough to you before?"
She had always treated the maids and pages attending Shao Wen'ang generously—especially Cao Lingchun, who had been his careful personal attendant.
The hairpins and rouge she gave to her own close maids, she would also give a set to Cao Lingchun. In the past, when she met privately with Shao Wen'ang, she would reward Cao Lingchun with silver for both serving and keeping watch.
Had she not been good enough to her? How much better did she need to be?
It was only natural for a maidservant to be discontent with her lot, to want to climb up, to want to become a mistress. People always wanted to rise. But why did she have to deceive her?
Five years. She had hidden it for five whole years. Hidden it until there was a child!
Cao Lingchun's tears wouldn't stop. "This servant remembers all the Madam's kindness. If this servant had sought a title or tried to compete with the Madam for anything in this affair with the Young Master, then this servant would deserve to be beaten to death. But, this servant…"
She bit her lip, as if the words she wanted to say were too shameful to utter.
After struggling for a long time, her voice dropped. "But feelings arise from the heart, not by choice. You and the Young Master grew up together, childhood sweethearts. But this servant… has also been by the Young Master's side since childhood."
Song Hemei liked Shao Wen'ang for his gentleness and propriety. She did too.
She liked his kindness and warmth. She did too.
Setting aside status, wasn't she also his childhood companion?
Song Hemei understood what she meant. At that moment, she felt the strength drain from her body. She didn't know when her tightly clenched fists had begun to loosen.
A profound sadness welled up in her heart.
She realized she couldn't really blame Cao Lingchun. Perhaps the only one truly to blame was Shao Wen'ang.
She felt utterly exhausted—physically and mentally. Just as she was about to speak again to tell her to get up, the culprit himself appeared.
"Mei'er."
A sickeningly sweet call made Song Hemei instinctively look toward the voice, and there she saw that hypocritical face.
He was still handsome, his eyes holding a deep affection that could melt the spring snow. The wound on his head had healed well; with the bandages removed, you could hardly see the mark she had left with her own hands on their wedding night.
His gaze swept over the two of them before landing back on Song Hemei. "Mei'er, you've lost weight these past days."
He took two steps forward, seemingly oblivious to Cao Lingchun kneeling on the ground, clinging and begging for him. He spoke as if nothing was wrong. "Mother said we should check the gifts prepared for the guests. She wants me to go with you to take inventory."
Song Hemei's face turned cold. She didn't want to go with him, and she was disgusted by his pretense of ignorance.
He drifted between the two of them, neither taking responsibility to protect Cao Lingchun and her child, nor showing any remorse. He didn't even send the troublesome Cao Lingchun away.
He seemed only capable of throwing a large piece of cloth over everything, covering up all the people and matters he couldn't handle or resolve, pretending they didn't exist so he could have peace of mind.
Song Hemei let out a derisive laugh. She crouched down herself and helped Cao Lingchun up. "Don't say such things again in the future."
In front of Shao Wen'ang, Cao Lingchun shrank back, sobbing quietly. She no longer dared to cling to her and beg for forgiveness.
Song Hemei didn't want to spare even a single glance at that disgusting man. She just wanted to finish this last task and go home as soon as possible. She said coldly, "Lead the way."
Shao Wen'ang's eyes were full of smiles. He quickly nodded and stepped forward to guide her.
But even just leading the way, he couldn't stay still. He kept turning back to talk to her, but Song Hemei ignored him entirely.
They entered a side room. He personally pushed the door open. Song Hemei stepped inside, walked over to the desk, and looked at the congratulatory gifts wrapped in red cloth piled on top. She counted them in her mind.
"Is this all? The number is wrong. There are twenty ladies among today's guests—"
Her voice cut off abruptly. Suddenly, someone embraced her tightly from behind. The disgusting scent sprayed onto her neck and earlobe, followed by that voice.
"Mei'er, I want you…"
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