Chapter 87: Extra · Lone Boat
How long is thirteen years? Long enough for an infant to grow into a youth, long enough for the political landscape of the court to shift three or four times, and long enough for Gao Yunqu to rise from a newcomer in the official world to a high-ranking official of the third rank. But for Zhong Yao, thirteen years was day after day of endurance, a bitter struggle with no dawn in sight, a fall from the glory of being a Provincial Top Scholar to the mundanity of supporting a husband and raising children. She had thought of giving up—giving up her past ideals, abandoning her former name, and pretending she had truly been born and raised in the mountains, that she had never seen the vast world. Like every other village woman in this isolated place, she would regard her husband and children as her everything, and in contentment, find lasting joy. But she was unwilling. How could she be willing? If not for this calamity, in thirteen years, she would have at least been close to wearing a scarlet robe, perhaps even holding authority over a department. But she didn't even dare to have such dreams. The more glorious the dream, the more desolate the awakening. She refused to think about it, focusing only on doing her best with what was before her. She was A'yuan, the wife of the Wazhai Stronghold's chief, Jiao Youchang's virtuous wife, the one who mediated the petty disputes within the stronghold. She did it well. Over thirteen years, she had gained some standing in the stronghold, and people would listen to her judgments. Which couple was fighting, whose children were unfilial, which brothers were squabbling over inheritance, which family was arguing with their neighbors... Life in the countryside was like this. It seemed harmonious and simple, but upon closer inspection, it was full of calculations. Zhong Yao could not leave the stronghold, but within it, she held a sliver of authority. People praised and treated her with courtesy, speaking of how good she was. Zhong Yao would smile and accept it, but she never took it to heart. These people were simple villagers inside the stronghold, but outside, they were vicious bandits. Moreover, only a small part of this respect and courtesy came from her own merit; most of it stemmed from Jiao Youchang. She knew this clearly, and sometimes she found it repulsive. But she needed this false authority. Amidst the unnoticed domestic trifles and idle gossip, she learned everything about the stronghold: where the able-bodied men went, how much money they brought back, the yield from the back mountain, and where it was transported... A person with a mind for it could weave these fragments into a complete picture of the stronghold, and she was that person.
She didn't know what use this knowledge would be. She would probably never see the day she could report it to the authorities, but she kept doing it anyway. At least this way, she could still remember who she was.
Fortunately, her wait was rewarded with Gao Yunqu's arrival. Jiao Youchang told her they had captured someone special and that word must not get out. He wanted her to personally see to the person. On the surface, she was reluctant, but her heart was pounding wildly.
Jiao Youchang and his men had drugged Gao Yunqu. They only locked her up but were not particularly attentive, which gave Zhong Yao an opportunity. Gao Yunqu was clearly of noble birth; everything she wore and used was of the highest quality. Zhong Yao searched her—an exquisitely crafted jade pendant, a sachet filled with expensive spices, a notebook filled with trivial observations... and a third-rank official's token and a military tally for deploying troops.
Zhong Yao's hands were trembling. Such an important person had been delivered right before her eyes. She sat beside the unconscious Gao Yunqu for a long time, her initial trembling from excitement slowly settling. She reined in all her overflowing emotions, bit by bit, until no abnormality could be seen. When she walked out, she was once again the feisty and capable wife of the stronghold chief.
She observed Gao Yunqu without showing a thing. This person was special—calm and self-possessed, not shouting or making a fuss. She even tried to provoke and turn Zhong Yao. Zhong Yao sighed quietly. A person like this truly made one feel jealous.
She made the biggest gamble of her life, staking everything she had accumulated over thirteen years, and her own life. This was her final battle with fate. If she didn't succeed, then she would die for a just cause.
Fortunately, she won the gamble.
For the first time in thirteen years, she walked out of the mountain stronghold. Standing beside Gao Yunqu, she witnessed the fall of Jiao Youchang, the Wazhai Stronghold, and even the three great families. Following the main army, she saw the city of Chuzhou, a sight she had not seen in thirteen years.
Was home still there? Did my family still remember me? Was my old home still the same as it was?
Yes, and no. Her parents and sisters were naturally overjoyed to see her return, and they embraced and wept. Her parents' hair had turned gray, but they were still in good health. Her younger sister was married but still had that same delicate demeanor. The house was filled with the laughter of the younger generation and had new objects, but it was largely unchanged. Yet she felt something was off. It was the pained look in her parents' eyes when they saw her, the unspoken regret from her sister, the curious gazes of the children, the family's cautiousness, so afraid of touching upon her painful past.
She was separated from her past by a thin veil of gauze—hazy, illusory, within reach, yet unattainable. A heart that had not wavered for thirteen years suddenly developed a crack.
Then, someone walked over from the other side of the thin mist and took her hand.
It was Xie Min.
"I was originally accompanying Linshen on an assignment and thought I'd visit family on the way, but I didn't expect to have to stay in Chuzhou for a while. My family's home isn't large to begin with. My older sister is married, and the children are grown. I haven't been home in so long that my room was given to them. Now I have nowhere to go." They sat side-by-side on a rock by the river. Children were playing nearby, their laughter and shouts drifting in and out. Xie Min chatted idly with her, kicking at the pebbles under her feet. She said, somewhat hesitantly, "Linshen told me that Lord Gao has set aside the outer courtyard of the Prefectural Office for subordinate officials who can't find suitable lodging. She asked if I wanted to stay there for now. A'yao, do you think that's appropriate?"
Zhong Yao came back to her senses and gave her a strange look. "Are you on bad terms with your colleagues?"
"No, why do you ask?" Xie Min was puzzled.
"Then what's inappropriate about it? The Prefect is benevolent. What's not to accept?"
Xie Min explained, "Although the Prefect said so, none of my colleagues are willing to stay right under her nose. They'd rather live in dilapidated public quarters or rent a house at a high price. Besides Linshen, no one else has asked to stay at the Prefectural Office yet."
"Lord Fang doesn't mind?"
"Linshen and Lord Gao are very close. She's staying in the inner courtyard." Xie Min scratched her cheek. "I don't have much money on hand, so I was thinking of shamelessly taking up the offer. A'yao, your family situation should be similar to mine, right? Do you want to go with me?"
"You're on official business. What am I?" Zhong Yao smiled.
Xie Min glanced at her face. "Linshen also told me that Lord Gao is in need of an advisor and asked me to see if you would be willing to condescend?"
Zhong Yao had no objections. Gao Yunqu was very busy, and by extension, her advisors and subordinate officials were swamped. But in this busyness, Zhong Yao gradually began to feel a long-lost sense of being grounded. Her soul had been adrift for thirteen years, and it had finally landed back on solid earth.
She rarely went home. A'chu was left with her parents. She was still young and didn't remember the events at Wazhai Stronghold. After playing with her grandparents for two days, she grew familiar with them, and they doted on her for being so well-behaved and cute. Zhong Yao thus focused all her energy on official duties. She was busy but fulfilled, as if the past thirteen years had been nothing but a dream.
Xie Min lived in the same courtyard with her, saying it was good to have someone to look out for each other. But Zhong Yao knew she was worried about her, so she agreed. After living together for a while, however, she discovered that the one who needed to be looked after was actually Xie Min. This person had no idea how she had survived to this age. She had no particular desires for food or clothing; as long as she could live, it was enough. She was rough and lacked any sense of domesticity.
"Is this how you live your life?" Zhong Yao couldn't help but ask after a few days of observation.
Xie Min was bewildered. "What... what's wrong? In the army, everything is kept simple..."
Zhong Yao cut her off. "You haven't been in the army for a long time. Besides, it wasn't like this in General Wei's army."
Xie Min had no reply and just smiled. Zhong Yao couldn't be bothered to lecture her. From then on, whenever she had new clothes made or bought new things, she would bring Xie Min along. The empty little courtyard began to fill up. One day, upon pushing open the gate and returning, Xie Min's numb and bewildered soul was suddenly touched. She hadn't been like this in her youth. Back then, she loved snacks and vibrant clothes, and she couldn't walk away from a fine horse. She had been so full of life then. But the past thirteen years had trapped Zhong Yao, yet it was Xie Min's soul that had been drained away. Zhong Yao was the one who was lost, but it was Xie Min who couldn't let go of her obsession. She stood in the courtyard for a long time, looking at the fully furnished rooms, and suddenly began to laugh. Her laughter grew louder and brighter, until tears of mirth streamed from the corners of her eyes.
Xie Min had found herself again, but she still remembered the anger of her twenties. She actively cooperated with Wei Licheng in clearing out the various mountain strongholds. From time to time, she would disappear for a period, always returning covered in blood.
Zhong Yao heard the sound of the door opening next door, threw on a robe, and came out. As expected, she saw a disheveled Xie Min.
"A... A'yao..." Xie Min stammered, like a child caught skipping school.
Zhong Yao walked over and asked helplessly, "Where are you hurt this time?"
"Just a minor injury, a scratch..." Xie Min chuckled sheepishly.
"Hurry up and wash. I'll apply medicine for you when you're done."
But Xie Min didn't move. Her face flushed, and she said in a small voice, "It's late. It's not right to ask for hot water from the kitchen. I'll just draw a bucket of well water in the courtyard to wash. You... you..."
Zhong Yao glared at her. "Xie Min, do you still remember you're a woman? The well water is cold and bad for your body, you..."
Xie Min pleaded, "A'yao... look how dirty I am. How can I sleep without washing? I have a body of iron. I washed like this often in the army, and it's summer, so it's fine. You... you go back to your room... I'll call you when I'm done."
Zhong Yao looked at her filthy state and knew there was no other way, so she complied and returned to her room. Xie Min breathed a sigh of relief, bolted the courtyard gate, went back to her room to get a cloth and a change of clothes, and drew a bucket of water from the well, placing it to one side. She deftly undid her belt and shed her clothes.
The night was silent. The sound of her washing echoed clearly, and Zhong Yao, sitting in her room, heard every splash. On a whim, she cracked open her window a sliver and peeked outside.
Xie Min's back was to her. Her naked body was vigorous and powerful, firm muscles wrapped around a well-proportioned frame. Her shoulders and back were strong, yet her waist was lean and powerful. Water poured from her neck, rolling down the lines of her body, from shoulder to back to waist to buttocks, then winding down her legs before falling to the ground. The moonlight spilling on her spine seemed to plate her in a layer of silver. She was like a goddess from the nine heavens, as if a light cloud veiling the moon, as if a swirling wind returning the snow1.
The candlelight in the room flickered without a breeze. Zhong Yao snapped back to her senses and slammed the window shut, her face burning.
After that night, Zhong Yao found herself starting to pay attention to Xie Min. She had cared for Xie Min before, but her gaze had never lingered on Xie Min's waist, her collar, or the corners of her lips. She was a little panicked and threw more of her time into official duties. When there was no work to be done, she buried her head in her books. She had obtained a nominal seventh-rank title, making her a semi-official. Gao Yunqu suggested she catch up on the studies she had missed and then take the Ministry of Personnel's placement examination, which would allow her to start at a higher official rank. She listened and did not rush to the capital, staying by Gao Yunqu's side to help with work while studying. Gao Yunqu and Fang Jian were both masters in this field, and with their guidance, she could achieve twice the result with half the effort. So she decided to finish this term in Chuzhou with them before heading to the capital together.
But Xie Min only stayed in Chuzhou for a year. She was a sixth-rank official, and according to the law of avoidance, she shouldn't hold a post in Chuzhou. Clearing out the remaining bandits with Wei Licheng was considered a special assignment from the Ministry of War. Once the job was done, she naturally had to return to the capital to report.
Xie Min left, and Zhong Yao felt a sense of relief. But at night, when she returned to the small courtyard, she would unconsciously glance at the room where Xie Min used to live.
In the nineteenth year of the Yongxing era, Gao Yunqu and Fang Jian's term ended, and they returned to the capital. Zhong Yao went with them. Gao Yunqu invited her to stay at her home for a while, but she refused. After entering the city and getting off the carriage, she went to find Xie Min. It wasn't a rest day, so she guessed Xie Min would be at her post. She didn't hurry, strolling leisurely through the streets of the capital, observing the scenery that was different from Chuzhou. As she neared Xie Min's small courtyard, she saw Xie Min riding toward her on a horse from a distance. She was still wearing her green official uniform, the wind catching her wide sleeves and making them flutter. The spring wind rustled the willows by the river, and it also blew open the closed doors of Zhong Yao's heart.
Zhong Yao successfully passed the Ministry of Personnel's placement examination and was appointed as a sixth-rank registrar at the Office of Transmission, an excellent position. But the capital was large, and living there was not easy. Xie Min's lifetime savings from her military career were only enough for a small courtyard in the outer city, let alone Zhong Yao's.
"What's wrong with living here with me?" Xie Min asked, puzzled.
"It is your home, after all..." Zhong Yao frowned slightly.
Xie Min was a little unhappy. She thought for a moment and said, "You probably won't marry again, and coincidentally, neither do I. We know each other so well, isn't it good to just live our lives together? Why must we distinguish between you and me?"
"What if I bring A'chu here in the future?" Zhong Yao was still hesitant.
"Then bring her! She calls me 'aunt' anyway, so what's wrong with her living here? If she's grateful, when I'm old, having her kowtow and offer some incense for me will be enough."
And so it was settled. The two of them started their life together as companions. Zhong Yao was a person of refined taste. The flowers and plants decorating the courtyard, the small ornaments in the house, the pastries she made in the kitchen when she had free time... gradually, the desolate little courtyard became vibrant with life. Xie Min began to look forward to coming home again.
After half a year, Xie Min urged Zhong Yao to bring A'chu over. A'chu was eight years old. For the past three or four years, she had been with Zhong Yao's parents, but she was growing up and could no longer be spoiled by her grandparents.
Along with A'chu came an old servant, A'sang. A'sang had looked after Zhong Yao in her childhood, and Zhong Yao respected her. A few years ago, she had been widowed and had no children. The Zhong family rehired her to look after A'chu. Zhong Yao promised to provide for her in her old age, so she came to the capital with them, handling the household chores, laundry, and cooking. Xie Min's small courtyard was not large, with one bedroom, one study, one guest room, and a small room for sundries. Zhong Yao had been staying in the guest room, but with more people in the house, it was getting a bit crowded.
Xie Min said, "Why don't you come sleep with me?"
Zhong Yao's heart tightened. "What?"
"I said, come sleep with me. My room is big enough, and it's more comfortable than the guest room you're in. We can free up the room for them." Xie Min said this with such frankness that Zhong Yao looked into her eyes and saw only pure clarity.
Zhong Yao sighed inwardly and agreed with a show of reluctance.
The first night they slept together, Xie Min fell asleep in no time, but Zhong Yao lay awake until dawn.
She found a time to seek out Fang Jian. Having been Gao Yunqu's advisor for three years, even someone slow would have figured out the relationship between her and Fang Jian. She was too embarrassed to approach Gao Yunqu, so she thought she would ask Fang Jian.
Fang Jian listened intently and then asked one question: "Then do you want to be with her?"
Zhong Yao said hesitantly, "I... don't know..."
Seeing her expression, Fang Jian's lips curved into a smile. "But it seems to me you already have an answer."
Zhong Yao did not deny it. "She doesn't seem to have those kinds of feelings for me."
"Shouci is a very simple person. She probably hasn't realized it yet."
Zhong Yao's greatest strength was patience. She did not rush to make things clear, but instead gradually approached and tested the waters. In fact, it was all much simpler than she had imagined. Just a few instances of feignedly frank disrobing, a few push-and-pull invitations to bathe together, a few ambiguous embraces in the middle of the night, and Xie Min was in full retreat, fleeing in a panic.
Xie Min was not stupid. She had investigated cases for so many years; she only needed to connect the dots to figure out the cause and effect. She was simply too close to the situation to see clearly. When Zhong Yao pierced that veil, she immediately understood everything.
But she chose to run, using official business as an excuse to sleep in the duty room for several days. Lying on the narrow cot in the duty room, she closed her eyes, and all she could see was Zhong Yao. Zhong Yao smiling at her, Zhong Yao worrying about her, Zhong Yao scolding her, and... Zhong Yao with her clothes half-undone. She had feelings for Zhong Yao. These feelings were like a seed that had taken root and sprouted in her heart when she wasn't paying attention. By the time she came to her senses, it was already a small tree growing in her heart. But she didn't dare. She had waited so many years for these peaceful, warm days. She didn't know if taking this step closer would make things better or overturn everything. The ever-advancing soldier wanted to retreat for the first time.
She hesitated for many days, and only when she could hide no longer did she tentatively walk home. As she entered the gate, A'chu ran out from inside and crashed into her arms.
"A'chu? Where are you going?" she asked.
A'chu hugged her and gestured for her to lean down. She squatted, and A'chu whispered in her ear, "Mother is in a terrible mood. Did someone at the office make her angry?"
Xie Min smiled bitterly. The person who had angered Zhong Yao was probably herself.
"Zhong Yuchu! Get back in here! Look at this thing you've written!" Zhong Yao's roar came from the study. A'chu trembled in fear and looked at Xie Min for help.
Xie Min sighed, patted her on the head, and gestured for her to go out and hide for a while. A'chu was instantly delighted by her words and flew out of the house.
Xie Min braced herself and pushed open the study door.
When Zhong Yao saw her, she sneered, "Oh, so you know how to come back?"
Xie Min didn't dare to look at her, staring down at the tips of her own feet.
Zhong Yao was furious. She glared at her and then ignored her. She ignored her during dinner, ignored her during their walk, and ignored her while playing a game of chess against herself. Xie Min followed her around like a shadow, which annoyed Zhong Yao to no end.
As night fell, Xie Min quickly took a bath and got into bed to wait for Zhong Yao. Zhong Yao was still angry and took a long time washing in the inner room. The sound of trickling water, which Xie Min had never thought much of before, now sounded incredibly suggestive now that she was aware of her feelings for Zhong Yao. It made her mouth dry and her hands and feet not know where to go.
Zhong Yao got into bed while tying the sash of her inner robe. Xie Min knelt on the other side of the bed and called out to her pleadingly, "A'yao..."
Zhong Yao glanced at her and sneered, "I never knew you, Xie Min, were such a timid, mouse-like coward."
"A'yao... don't be angry..." Before Xie Min could finish, Zhong Yao pounced on her, pinning her to the bed.
They were too close. Xie Min's face flushed red. She turned her head slightly, not daring to look at Zhong Yao, who was right in front of her.
A drop of water fell on Xie Min's face. Xie Min was shocked and, forgetting her shyness, turned back to look at Zhong Yao. "A'yao, A'yao, what's wrong, don't cry..."
Zhong Yao pressed down on her, tears streaming uncontrollably. Xie Min reached out to wipe them away, but she couldn't wipe them all, and she began to sweat with anxiety. "A'yao, I was wrong, I was really wrong, please don't cry..."
Zhong Yao sniffled, looked at her with tear-filled eyes, and choked out, "Do you find me... repulsive?"
"I don't! How could I!" Xie Min said in a panic.
"Then why did you run?"
"I... I was just a little confused, I needed to sort things out myself..."
"Then tell me, do you have me in your heart?" A fire ignited in Zhong Yao's eyes as she asked directly.
Without a moment's hesitation, Xie Min blurted out, "Of course I do!"
Before she could react or explain, Zhong Yao's kiss fell recklessly, silencing all the words that were to follow.
Xie Min instinctively struggled for a moment, then melted under the deep affection contained in the kiss. She couldn't help but wrap her arms around Zhong Yao, her lips and tongue tangling with hers.
When their lips parted, Zhong Yao was panting. She looked with satisfaction at the tenderness and desire in Xie Min's eyes.
"A'min, if you have me in your heart, why won't you have me?" Zhong Yao's voice was soft and cottony, laden with deep meaning.
Xie Min started to speak, then stopped. Zhong Yao saw the hesitation in her eyes.
She sat up, fumbled to untie the sash at her waist, and with a shrug of her shoulders, let her top slide off, baring her upper body completely. Then she leaned over again, pressing her naked body against Xie Min's, looking down at her from above.
Xie Min's mind went blank, overwhelmed by the stunning scene. She opened her mouth, then closed it, not knowing what to say.
Zhong Yao took her hand and guided it to her breast. The softness and delicacy under her palm was a sensation she had never dared to imagine. Zhong Yao's enchanting voice fell by her ear, "A'min, take me."
Desire, like a storm, instantly shattered Xie Min's reason. One hand kneading Zhong Yao's breast, the other holding her close, she rolled over, pinning Zhong Yao beneath her. A plundering kiss landed on her lips, soft yet urgent, seeking to draw everything out. Zhong Yao wrapped her arms around her neck, closed her eyes, and kissed her back with abandon.
Xie Min's hands were a bit rough. The force of her kneading was a bit too much, and Zhong Yao cried out in pain, which brought Xie Min back to her senses a little. She released the breast she was holding and embraced her back, making her arch her chest. The domineering kiss softened, winding down from her jaw, kissing every inch of her long neck, her sexy collarbones, her rising and falling chest, and finally, her round, full breasts.
Zhong Yao's panting was low, and every breath that entered Xie Min's ears excited her even more. A rough palm caressed her entire body, bringing wave after wave of shivers. Zhong Yao held Xie Min tightly, her hands wrapped around her shoulders and back, feeling the scars there.
Xie Min's body was not exactly smooth; there were faint scars on her chest and back, and calluses on her hands and feet from years of toil. Afraid of hurting Zhong Yao again, she made her movements extremely light, but the friction made Zhong Yao feel a bit itchy.
"A'min, harder..."
"I'm afraid of hurting you."
"It's fine, I like it... mmm..."
Xie Min sealed her lips with a kiss, her hand slipping into her under-trousers, touching the sensitive core. Zhong Yao let out a muffled grunt, but her moans were all trapped in her mouth. Her fingers dug into Xie Min's back, tightening and releasing in rhythm with the pressure Xie Min applied.
Xie Min watched her expression, carefully sensing her state, bringing her to the peak of pleasure.
Zhong Yao trembled and shivered in her arms, faint moans escaping her throat. Every part of it brought Xie Min immense satisfaction. She held Zhong Yao, pressing her cheek against her chest, listening to the beating of her heart.
Zhong Yao caught her breath, cradled her head, and asked in a hoarse voice, "Aren't you going to continue?"
"Not enough? Was it not enough?" Xie Min realized the position she was in, and her face flushed with embarrassment. She stammered as she spoke.
Zhong Yao kissed the top of her head and guided her hand toward her lower body. "A'min, come inside me, conquer me, fill me, possess me..."
Led by her, Xie Min's hand found the wetness between her legs. She followed her instincts and sent her fingertips inside, then began to move in and out with abandon. She had never been able to handle Zhong Yao. It was true thirteen years ago, and it was true now. Zhong Yao was always smarter and more decisive than her, and she was always the one in control. Her entire life was entangled with Zhong Yao, so she might as well let it be entangled to the very end.
Zhong Yao struggled against the pleasure. Xie Min held her down, not letting her escape, while quickening her assault. Zhong Yao felt like she was about to be pushed away; every thrust was deep and heavy. She wrapped her arms and legs around Xie Min, surrendering everything to her.
She had been a lone, tiny boat in the world, facing storms and tides alone. She had never been afraid, even when the waves were monstrous. But when the wind calmed and the waves stilled, she was left alone on the vast sea. She would shout, but in the enormous ocean, only her own voice would echo back. She would not be afraid, she would not give up, but she would also feel a little sad. Then one day, another boat came, riding the wind and breaking the waves. It passed through gales and giant waves to arrive at Zhong Yao's side. From then on, someone would face the raging whirlpools with her, and someone would watch the peaceful sunrises and sunsets with her.
Author's Notes
1From 'The Ode to the Luo River Goddess': 'As if a light cloud veiling the moon, as if a swirling wind returning the snow.'
This pair is also reversible. Zhong Yao is advancing by retreating, securing the victory first.
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