Chapter 93: Extra · Courage
Wei Zhi was much busier than before. Wei Qi no longer let her be idle and made her work. Every time she complained, Wei Qi would say, "You're a married woman now. How can someone who has a family still think about playing all day like a child? Just look at Cui Miao!" Wei Zhi would immediately fall silent and do whatever she was told. What could she do? Her older sister had her right where she wanted her.
In truth, Wei Qi genuinely thought Cui Miao was excellent—steady, earnest, and diligent. She was very useful. It was not easy to be a close attendant to the emperor, especially with Cui Miao's awkward status. In the beginning, Wei Qi would often stare at her, sizing her up, evaluating, and scrutinizing. Wei Qi herself hadn't even realized it until A'zheng pointed it out to her. And although Cui Miao was on tenterhooks, she never made a mistake or lost her composure under such pressure. The longer Wei Qi watched, the more she couldn't help but compare Wei Zhi to her. The more she compared, the more she felt that other people's children were better. What on earth did Cui Miao see in Wei Zhi, to give up a great future and be so devoted to her? During that period, she was quite pleasant to Cui Miao, but she found fault with Wei Zhi at every turn, leaving Wei Zhi utterly dejected. The two young ones would go home and huddle together for warmth, completely unaware of Wei Qi's matriarchal mindset.
"A'zhi, next month, go to Yongzhou in my stead and deliver a birthday gift to Aunt Anping."
"What? I don't want to go!" Wei Zhi nearly jumped to her feet. "Aunt Anping is awful. She loves to tease me. Sending me there is like sending a sheep into a tiger's den, isn't it?"
Wei Qi glanced at her, then turned to Cui Miao, who was writing a document at a small desk to the side. "Cui Miao! Cui Miao!"
Cui Miao hurriedly stood up. "Your Majesty, your servant is here."
"You will go with her," Wei Qi said, pointing at her. Then she turned back to Wei Zhi. "If you don't go, then Cui Miao will go alone."
"Ah! Fine, I'll go!" Wei Zhi stomped her foot, once again manipulated by her elder sister, and stormed out in a huff.
Wei Qi was in a good mood. She smiled at Cui Miao and said, "Don't listen to her. Grand Princess Anping is just a bit mischievous and likes to tease A'zhi for fun; she's not a bad person. With our two aunts, Anping and Anqing, holding down Yongzhou, the capital can remain peaceful. It's a major birthday for our aunt, so the younger generation should show some respect. You keep an eye on A'zhi and don't let her cause any trouble."
Cui Miao bowed and accepted, then offered an explanation for Wei Zhi. "Your Majesty, Her Highness is merely acting spoiled in front of you. She knows her limits."
"I know. Just accompany her as I said. She's been terribly busy lately, so think of it as a chance to relax."
"Your Majesty is benevolent."
Wei Qi thought of something else and said, "Right, go and give your mother a message. Tell her to sort out the Yongzhou accounts and send them over."
Cui Miao hesitated, somewhat reluctant to agree.
Wei Qi noticed. "It's been almost a year. You still haven't managed to coax your mother?" she asked, surprised.
"Mm…" Cui Miao lowered her eyes, her voice listless. "Mother doesn't want to see me."
Wei Qi spoke to her earnestly. "Xinmeng, when you feel guilty, you should try to make amends, not run away."
"Your servant…"
"Go on, go on. I'll let you off duty. With a message from me, she can't possibly refuse you entry," Wei Qi said with a smile.
"Thank you, Your Majesty."
Ever since the big fallout last year, Cui Miao had been kicked out of the house by Jiang Shu. In the beginning, Cui Miao came every day, only to be shut out by Jiang Shu. Later, as her duties became more demanding, she would come on her days off. Although she was no longer met with a closed door, Jiang Shu was still unwilling to see her. Even if she forced her way in, Jiang Shu would just scold her back out. As time went on, Cui Miao grew disheartened, afraid of angering her mother, so her visits became less frequent. When she did come, she wouldn't insist. If Jiang Shu didn't want to see her, she would bow at the gate and leave. If Jiang Shu wanted to scold her, she would stand there obediently and listen.
Thinking back, it had been a long time since she had gotten a good look at her mother. She stood at the entrance of the Cui Estate, mustering all her courage before stepping inside. The steward, Cui Xing, saw her, his face full of joy. He led her in, chatting with her along the way. As they reached the study, they happened upon Jiang Shu emerging with A'shi. Among her daughters, Jiang Shu had chosen A'shi, the best at mathematics, to train by her side. A'shi was happy to see her eldest sister, but mindful of Jiang Shu, she forced her smile away, looking a little comical.
Jiang Shu raised an eyebrow and asked, not very politely, "What are you here for?"
Cui Miao's heart ached, but she forced a calm expression. "Her Majesty ordered me to deliver a message."
Jiang Shu let out two cold laughs and stepped aside from the study door. "Be my guest, Drafter Cui."
Cui Miao entered in silence and relayed Wei Qi's words. Jiang Shu nodded in acknowledgment. And with that, it was over.
The study fell quiet again. Cui Miao was so flustered she didn't know what to do with her hands and feet. Jiang Shu glanced at her. "Is that all?"
"Yes," Cui Miao answered in a low voice.
"Then what are you still doing here?"
"Mother…" Cui Miao called out meekly.
"…A'shi, see our guest out." Jiang Shu turned her back, refusing to look at her anymore.
"No… no need… I'll see myself out…" Cui Miao's eyes reddened. Head bowed, she retreated respectfully.
The room fell silent again. Jiang Shu let go of the strength she had been mustering, leaning a hand on the desk, her back slumping slightly. A'shi quickly helped her sit down and handed her a cup of tea.
"Mother, what did my sister do wrong? Why are you treating her like this? It's obvious you miss her," A'shi asked, confused.
"She did nothing wrong," Jiang Shu said, taking a sip of tea. She sighed. "But I did nothing wrong either."
A'shi didn't understand, but Jiang Shu refused to say more.
Although Jiang Shu had driven her out, Cui Miao was still the eldest lady of the Cui Estate. No one would truly dare to ask her to leave. So she wandered along the familiar paths of the estate. This was her home, but looking at it now only brought her sorrow. Seeing no one around, she hid in the rockery. There was a small space inside, just big enough for one person. When she was little, she often hid here when she was upset. She squatted down, hugging her knees and concealing herself.
For the past year, she hadn't lived at home, but she hadn't moved in with Wei Zhi either. She was afraid her mood would affect Wei Zhi, and she was also afraid that if she stayed by Wei Zhi's side for too long, she would forget she still had a family to care for. Fortunately, before Fang Jian left for Chuzhou, she had lent her a house, telling her to stay there without worry, so at least she wouldn't be homeless.
Wei Zhi's heart ached for her, but she knew she shouldn't and couldn't interfere in the matter between her and her mother. All she could do was spend more time with her and coax her more. They both knew it hadn't been easy for them to get to this point. They carefully managed their emotions, slowly shaping themselves to fit each other. Cui Miao grew more composed by the day, showing no outward signs of trouble, but Wei Zhi always felt as if she were shrouded in a layer of gloom. Later, they had a fight over something trivial. Wei Zhi, with a belly full of pent-up frustration, pinned her down and took her. Cui Miao struggled but was overpowered, and was made to cry. Wei Zhi let go and pulled her into her arms to comfort her. Cui Miao's breakdown was silent, with only tears streaming down her face, her crying so intense it made Wei Zhi's heart ache. Cui Miao carried too much, burdens she could tell no one, and could only swallow them herself. She didn't regret her choice, but this pain was something she had to bear alone.
Wei Zhi privately asked Wei Qi what she should do. Wei Qi listened, then smiled and shook her head. "You see? Did you really think this path would be so easy? It's very difficult."
"Sister… what do you think I should do?" Wei Zhi pleaded, shaking her arm.
"I don't know." Wei Qi was getting dizzy from the shaking. "Do you think being the emperor means you can do anything? Cui Miao is a good person, and so is Jiang Shu. No one did anything wrong, yet someone is hurting. I'm not a god who can make them all better with a single word."
"Then what can I do to make A'miao feel better?"
Wei Qi glanced at her. "You, ah, you're finally an adult."
"Sister!"
"Cui Miao doesn't need you to do anything for her. As long as you are resolute enough, you are the strength that supports her. Once you get through this, you two will have made it."
"But I don't want to just stand by and watch her suffer."
Wei Qi stood up and patted her on the head, ruffling her hair vigorously. She smiled. "Then listen to what she's thinking. Having someone to talk to is always better than keeping it bottled up. Remember, you don't need to do anything for her, you just need to be her support."
Wei Zhi was very smart; she just usually didn't like to use her brain. But for Cui Miao, she had more than enough motivation and patience. She tried to guide Cui Miao into speaking about what was weighing on her heart.
Cui Miao said, "I feel guilty toward my mother. This guilt is like a stone on my heart, rolling and growing bigger."
Wei Zhi tried asking what kind of person Jiang Shu was, and Cui Miao told her, telling her Jiang Shu's story, telling her how Jiang Shu had taught her as a child.
As she listened, Wei Zhi became engrossed. When Cui Miao spoke of Jiang Shu, her eyes shone with a reverent light. But when she spoke of herself, the light in her eyes dimmed. Wei Zhi pinched her cheek. "A'miao, don't wallow in self-pity. Your mother wanted you to shine, not to be dim."
Cui Miao smiled at her, a smile that held a trace of her former self. Wei Zhi was a little unhappy, but she remembered her sister's words. She had to support A'miao, help her relight that flame. If once wasn't enough, she would try again and again.
"Ah, so you're here."
Hearing the voice, Cui Miao secretly wiped her tears on her sleeve and looked up at the person who had arrived.
A'sun stood before her, leaning down and gently stroking her head.
Cui Miao nearly burst into tears again. She held them back and called out, "A'sun, how did you find me here?"
"You've only had a few favorite hiding spots since you were little, right? I just had to look around to find you." A'sun touched her cheek, gently wiping away the tear stains at the corner of her eye.
"A'sun, Mother doesn't want me anymore…" Cui Miao sniffled. A woman nearly thirty, yet she was acting like a child.
"How could the Madam not want you?" A'sun hugged her gently. "A'miao, the Madam is your mother, but she's also just an ordinary person. As a mother, she is willing to give everything for you. But as herself, she has her own temper and her own sorrows."
"But I don't know what to do. I can't coax her," Cui Miao said through sobs. "I made her lose everything. It's all my fault…"
"No, it's not. The Madam never blamed you for losing those worldly possessions," A'sun said gently. "She's angry that you've lost her A'miao who shines. You have to find her again."
"I'm no good at all, I'm terrible… I can't find her…" Cui Miao cried out, tears falling like rain.
A'sun took a handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped her tears, chiding, "What nonsense are you talking about? Our wonderful A'miao is right here, isn't she?"
"But what should I do?" A'miao asked, choking on her sobs.
"Do you think you did something wrong?"
"I didn't. I don't regret it. But…"
"Then why do you look so guilty?" A'sun poked her on the forehead. "If you believe you did nothing wrong, then you should hold your head high and explain it to your mother with conviction."
"But Mother is still angry…"
"The Madam was angry at first, but not for long. What she's been angry about all this time is your cowardly appearance, your unwillingness to face her… Our A'miao is so proud and so brave; she shouldn't be like this. She thought you would get better, but you only got worse. She is very sad. You took her A'miao away."
"I…" Cui Miao was too stunned to speak. She had been so crushed by guilt that she couldn't stand up straight, but she had never imagined that her mother didn't want her guilt.
A'sun stood up and extended a hand to her. Cui Miao instinctively took it and was pulled to her feet.
A'sun moved behind her and gave her a push. "A'miao, be brave. Go tell your mother what kind of person you want to be, what path you want to walk! Go and bravely tell her the words you should have told her a year ago!"
Pushed forward, Cui Miao stumbled for two steps, then strode forward with determination. She walked faster and faster, until she broke into a run. She felt as light as the wind as she burst into Jiang Shu's study.
Jiang Shu had just dismissed A'shi and was sitting alone in the study, lost in thought, when the door was thrown open with a bang. She looked up in astonishment to see Cui Miao rush in and collapse at her feet.
The little girl she had raised hugged her legs and wailed, "Mother! Don't abandon me!"
Jiang Shu sighed and stroked the top of her head, her hand trembling slightly. "You're back…" Her A'miao was well-mannered but forthright, someone who would throw tantrums and push her luck, not a silent, wooden puppet who wouldn't fight back when struck or scolded.
"Mother!" Cui Miao cried with the earth-shattering force of her childhood.
She cried until Jiang Shu grew annoyed. She patted the back of Cui Miao's head and said impatiently, "That's about enough. How long are you going to cry?"
Cui Miao sobbed, her voice filled with immense grievance, "Mother, you taught me to own up to my actions. You also taught me to have pride and integrity, to be true to myself, to be frank and sincere. I did as you said, but you stopped talking to me."
"You silly girl. If you believe you did the right thing, then why were you afraid to face me?" Jiang Shu touched her cheek, her heart aching a little. She had lost a lot of weight this past year.
"I thought I had broken your heart and failed your expectations." Feeling her mother's warmth for the first time in a long while, Cui Miao secretly nuzzled her palm.
Jiang Shu sighed. "I was angry at first. I raised a spendthrift who squandered the entire family fortune. Am I not allowed to be angry? But after I calmed myself down, I found that I couldn't find my A'miao anymore. My A'miao is the bravest girl in the world, not some timid, hesitant person. Then I got angrier and sadder. I thought I was really going to lose my A'miao…"
"Mother, I'm sorry…"
"You really are exceptionally silly. What you insist on, what you believe in—you should have the confidence to tell everyone. No matter if others agree or not, no one should be able to shake your conviction, not even me. That is what it means to be true to yourself." Jiang Shu looked at her, her expression incredibly serious. "Now, are you ready to tell me your answer?"
Cui Miao looked at her mother, every word resolute. "Mother, I have chosen. I want to spend the rest of my life with the person I love, and I will become better together with her. This may be a difficult, narrow path, but I will make this path wider and wider! I will get better and better. Mother, please watch me!"
"Good." Jiang Shu finally smiled and hugged her little girl, who was lost and now was found.
Author's Notes
Sob sob sob, I love Cui Miao and Jiang Shu so much. Cui Miao is so lucky, everyone around her loves her. As for Jiang Shu, who wouldn't want a mom like that.
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