Chapter 67: Blame Yourself
Song Hemei blinked, soothing the dryness in her eyes, confirming that she hadn't burned with fever to the point of hallucination.
Seeing that Yu Yeqing also seemed somewhat surprised by her reaction, his arm, which had just helped her sit up, still frozen in place, she swallowed, averted her gaze, and acting as if nothing had happened, shifted direction to lean back into his arms.
"How did you get in?" she asked again, her tone even.
Yu Yeqing paused for only a moment before tightening his hold on the weight in his arms.
Her body was still warm. Having slept deeply and soundly, every part of her radiated a fierce, comforting heat. This made him afraid to use force, as if he might easily break her.
But she shifted, finding a more comfortable position of her own accord, placing all her weight on him without any guard.
Yu Yeqing lowered his gaze, his breath deepening. "It was Jin'er."
Song Hemei's pupils trembled violently, but she heard Yu Yeqing continue, "When did you change your mind and tell her about us?"
She murmured, "When would I have had the chance to tell her? How did she find you, and what did she say to you?"
Yu Yeqing was silent for a moment. "She only said you were ill but refused to see a doctor, so she called for me."
He seemed unconcerned with how Chunhui knew, instead asking her, "Since you're ill, why won't you see a doctor? I don't think I resemble a doctor who can heal you."
Song Hemei didn't know what he meant by that and felt a bit displeased. "If you don't want to come, no one forced you. You can just leave."
With that, she made as if to rise from his arms.
But Yu Yeqing raised a hand to hold her shoulder, stopping her. "When did I say I didn't want to come?"
Song Hemei stopped moving. She settled back against him, feigning indifference. "Oh. So what did you mean then?"
"You should call a doctor," Yu Yeqing repeated. "If the Song family doesn't have enough money, I can provide it for you."
Song Hemei parted her lips but couldn't speak immediately.
This feeling was too unfamiliar. Perhaps because she had always been generous with her own money and had never had to use another's, or perhaps because, in her dealings with Yu Yeqing, she had always been the one to pay. This statement sounded incredibly strange to her.
"I'm not that destitute yet."
She coughed lightly. "I'm just a bit tired and caught a chill. It's nothing serious. Chunhui calling for you was completely unnecessary."
Yu Yeqing fell silent. After a moment, he made to put her down directly.
Song Hemei instinctively grabbed his lapel. "Where are you going?"
"Don't you want a drink of water?"
Song Hemei looked at his handsome, clear features and nodded. As he withdrew his support, she sat up on the bed by herself.
Watching him walk around the screen, he took the warmed water from the small stove. As he poured it into a cup, he even tested the temperature with his hand against the vessel. When he turned back, the candle stand near the bed cast his tall figure in a shifting chiaroscuro, giving her the illusion that he belonged in this room, that he should be right here, by her side.
The hand she used to grip the bedclothes tightened. When Yu Yeqing drew close, she even forgot to raise her hand to take the cup. But he was considerate enough; after a momentary pause, he brought the cup directly to her lips.
"Why aren't you drinking? Too hot?"
Only then did Song Hemei snap back to reality, her lips touching the rim of the cup.
As the warm water went down her throat, she finally felt some relief. Whether it was the lingering heat from her body or the stuffiness of the room, she felt a flush creeping from her neck to her ears, then spreading inch by inch across her cheeks.
After she finished drinking, Yu Yeqing stood before her, seeming a little at a loss. So she simply reached out and grabbed his wrist. "Come here and let me lean on you for a bit."
Yu Yeqing's fingertips twitched. Fearing he might refuse, she added, "My body aches from lying down, and leaning against the bed corner is too hard. You can't be that stingy, can you?"
Yu Yeqing lowered his gaze to look at her. Perhaps it was her imagination, but she thought she saw much of his usual distance and coldness dissipate. He was willing to indulge her. And then... he undid the tie at his waist.
Song Hemei gasped and leaned over to stop him. "I'm still sick!"
Yu Yeqing glanced at her hands now clasped over his, and when he spoke again, his voice carried a clear note of helplessness. "You misunderstand. It's just not right to get on the bed in my outer robe."
Song Hemei now felt as if even her breathing was choked. She coughed twice, forcing calm as she released her hands. "You have to blame yourself for doing things that cause misunderstandings."
She scooted over to the inner side of the bed, watching him remove his outer robe and lean against the bedside. The moment he turned, he reached out with a long arm and pulled her directly into his embrace.
Song Hemei rested against his chest, her arms instinctively encircling his narrow waist, her heart pounding. He, however, was completely at ease, even finding the time to pull the blanket up over her.
"Going back to sleep?"
Yu Yeqing's voice was very soft, echoing right by her ear. She was reluctant to fall asleep, and subconsciously asked, "Are you leaving?"
She was acutely aware that she didn't want him to go. Although she still didn't know exactly when Chunhui had discovered their affair, she had to admit, this move of hers suited her perfectly.
She tightened her arms slightly, lowering her cheek until it was half-pressed against his neck. "If I fall asleep like this, and you leave, wouldn't you just wake me up again?"
Unsure if he would refuse, Song Hemei coughed lightly, dropping a hint. "During this time, my elder brother has gone back to my maternal grandparents' home. He won't be back for a while."
Yu Yeqing finally spoke. "I won't leave tonight, but I have business in Pingzhou tomorrow. I can't stay long."
Song Hemei's heart sank. "How can you leave when you've only just arrived in Changzhou? Is your official business that pressing?"
Yu Yeqing didn't elaborate, only giving a low hum of acknowledgment.
She was still in his arms, his hand still resting on her shoulder, but she could already feel her heart clenching at this sudden, impending separation.
She had no knowledge of his movements. A casual parting could mean a loss of contact and no reunion, just like the three years that had already passed.
And their relationship was fundamentally not one that allowed for frequent meetings. If she were his wife, perhaps she could follow him on his travels. But right now, she was nothing. She even had a family to drag along and bore the title of Madam Shao.
The brief warmth of Yu Yeqing's arms meant nothing. With an unprecedented clarity of mind, Song Hemei belatedly realized how simple-mindedly she had been thinking. Previously, restrained by her parents' disapproval, she had been fixated on whether they would permit her amicable divorce. But now that she was resigned to letting things fall apart, she found that she had never received any promise from Yu Yeqing.
She had even overlooked the most crucial question: why would Yu Yeqing want to marry her?
She had been married to another man. She came from a merchant family, and worse, her family was no longer what it once was. Her parents were no support to her. She had nothing. Her elder brother had nearly cost Yu Yeqing his life. So why would Yu Yeqing choose her?
Yu Yeqing was no longer the person he used to be. He was far beyond worrying about his next meal; he likely had his own wealth now. His current official position made men like Shao Wen'ang bow and smile obsequiously before him. If he wished, even if he wanted to find a wife in Changzhou, all the eligible young ladies would be at his disposal.
Why would he choose her? Because they'd shared a fleeting romance?
But that was too absurd. Just as she had never considered marrying him three years ago, he might not have the slightest intention of marrying her now.
Every question born from her own desperate longing seemed to push her toward a situation of overreaching her bounds and losing all face.
Song Hemei took a deep breath, finally managing only to ask, "Will you be coming back, then?"
She didn't want to reveal her intentions too clearly. She dared not think what would happen if he saw through her—would he mock her for having ambitions too high for her station, for being presumptuous?
"I mean, I returned to Changzhou with you. If you leave, should I stay and wait for you? The Shao residence still has your luggage, and your clerk is in Linzhou. Will you be coming back?"
The silence above her head stretched on for a while, making her heart hang in suspense. She even began to suspect that her words had revealed her thoughts and desires. Perhaps, even as they lay embraced, he was already contemplating how to phrase his refusal to free himself from her entanglement.
Just having this suspicion made her throat ache with bitterness. How could she willingly place herself in such an awkward position? She would rather be the one to cut things off.
But before she could speak, Yu Yeqing finally answered. "I should be back in Changzhou within half a month. As for when I'll go to Linzhou, that's undecided for now. If you're not in a hurry to return to Linzhou, stay here for the time being."
The heart Song Hemei had suspended slowly began to settle back down.
She felt that they had an unspoken understanding to continue this relationship as it was. He wasn't ready to end things with her yet.
Now that she was finally relaxed, she realized she had been tense for she didn't know how long.
She closed her eyes, nestling in Yu Yeqing's arms, wanting to sleep a little more. But a voice suddenly came from above. "Why did you change their names? I remember you didn't want to before."
He must be referring to the names of Chunhui and Suhui.
If he hadn't mentioned it, Song Hemei would have almost forgotten. Three years ago, she had been cajoled into the Shao residence and nearly forced into a relationship by Shao Wen'ang. Fortunately, she had escaped.
But when she met Yu Yeqing on the road, it was hard to explain all that, so she had only said she didn't want to follow Madam Zhang's orders and change her maids' names.
Song Hemei's voice was very soft. "It was inconvenient, so I changed them."
In the affairs of the world, there are few things that are absolutely immutable.
In the past, Madam Zhang's words had only made her feel defiant—defiant at being manipulated, defiant at having even her maids' names stripped away.
But she had been Madam Shao for three years. There were many inner-court wives she had to meet, and she couldn't avoid them. They couldn't tolerate her, but because they had to give face to the Shao family for their husbands' sakes, they insisted on inviting her frequently.
Countless times, when those women heard her maids' names, they would exchange knowing smiles, even though they had long known what the maids were called.
They looked down on her, ostracized her, dissecting everything about her as the stench of money, seeing the people around her as uncouth. Until Madam Zhang brought the matter up again, until she saw Yin'er hiding in the shadows wiping her tears. She had no choice but to bow her head and change their names.
Song Hemei felt a bitterness in her throat, but telling such a story of helplessness seemed too weak and shameful. She feigned indifference. "They're changed now. It's not that big a deal. Changing a name is changing a fate. I had someone calculate their fortunes. The new names are good, too—they can hold their good fortune."
"But you don't like them."
Yu Yeqing held her tighter, his voice low and determined. "Since you don't like them, change them back."
His tone carried an air of finality that almost made her want to laugh.
"Change them back just because you say so?"
Could he really go out and intimidate everyone so they would stop meddling?
Song Hemei swallowed, her voice laden with meaning. "Do you really think you are their master, the head of their household?"
Get instant access to all chapters now.
Post a Comment