Chapter 89: His Heart
The question slipped out before she could stop it, and the room fell instantly silent.
Yu Yeqing stared directly into the eyes of the person before him. He could clearly see her surprise, and fortunately, that was all he saw.
The feeling of being coveted in secret was surely not a pleasant one—like damp moisture seeping into the very joints of one's bones, impossible to shake off, impossible to escape, a shadow that clung and disgusted.
Even though he was well aware of his own status and dared not entertain any improper thoughts, and even though he had never committed any offense or overstepped in the slightest, he still worried that this attention, born of selfishness, might annoy her.
If not for her asking today, perhaps he would never have told her. But since she had opened the subject, he didn't want to lie to her.
"Yes." Yu Yeqing's Adam's apple bobbed. He still wanted to defend himself. "But rest assured, I have never spoken of my feelings to anyone, nor have I ever done anything to you."
Song Hemei pressed her lips together, her gaze fixed on him, tinged with a certain complexity.
So it was real after all... He really did have feelings for her. How had she not seen it even a little bit back then?
Not just back then, even during those first days after they had met again, she hadn't sensed it. She had even suspected he was purely there to show off, to mock her, to deliberately get revenge.
She didn't think she was that dense when it came to matters of the heart. It only proved that he was an exceptionally good actor.
But then another thought struck her, and she immediately asked, "Then when did it start?"
Yu Yeqing was silent for a moment, as if searching his memory, but in the end, he lowered his eyes and answered, "I don't honestly know exactly when it began. But by the time I realized it, you were already betrothed to the Shao family."
When he learned of it back then, he returned home and sat in the courtyard, wide awake all night.
He thought of many things that night. The Shao family's status, his own origins, his sick younger sister, and the affectionate look in her eyes whenever she looked at Shao Wen'ang.
Piece by piece, everything fell into place, and he didn't even have the heart for jealousy. He didn't even dare to entertain the whimsy in his dreams—to imagine it was him she was betrothed to. All he felt was a dull, suffocating ache in his chest; a helplessness, an inability to do anything. Even this heartache felt so presumptuous and superfluous.
Song Hemei's gaze towards him grew even more complex. "That's far too early..."
Her betrothal to the Shao family had been so many years ago.
She couldn't help but sigh. "You've hidden it so well. I didn't have the slightest clue. This skill of yours is truly wasted on matters like this. You should have gone to the Northern Wei to be a spy."
Yu Yeqing's body stiffened, and he cast a dark, meaningful look at her.
...That was probably not a compliment.
Now that she had a definitive answer, many things began to fall into place. She couldn't help but think back to the night before her wedding, when she had secretly gone to find him, hiding it from her family.
Back then, her heart was full of Shao Wen'ang. Afraid that the wedding procession would be blocked and harassed, she had specially begged Yu Yeqing not to make things difficult.
Thinking about it now, if he already had feelings for her then, how heartbreaking must her words have been for him to hear?
But before Song Hemei's belated sympathy could spread far, she suddenly remembered their first night together, and she couldn't stop herself from reaching out and giving him a gentle shove. "Then why did you act so righteous and aloof back then!"
Yu Yeqing stared at her, bewildered. "What?"
"On the night of my wedding, why were you so reluctant?"
She had genuinely believed she was forcing him, shaming him with money, forcing him to bow his head in submission.
And all the while, what did he have to be reluctant about? If it had been her, she would have been laughing in her dreams.
Yu Yeqing took a moment to understand what she was referring to. He reached out and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in his own. "I wasn't reluctant. I just... thought you were being a little impulsive, and that you might regret it later. If nothing had happened between us, perhaps there would always be a little leeway left between us."
Back then, he dared not hope for much. The "leeway" he spoke of was nothing more than the ability to, as usual, steal a distant glance at her from the Shao residence. He was only afraid that even that single glance would be taken away from him.
And besides... it had been very hard for him to hold back at the time.
He held her hand tightly, his thumb gently stroking her palm, and repeated in a low voice, "How could I have been reluctant?"
"Every single time I have to coax and plead with you three, four, five times—what kind of willingness is that?" Song Hemei looked at him with a straight face. "It's all your fault."
Yu Yeqing was once again perplexed by her words. "Where is the fault supposed to be mine?"
Song Hemei clenched her teeth. She couldn't help but recall her anxieties and unease from the past few days, and she was even more convinced that it was all his fault.
If he had just told her back then, why would she have had to think so much? Why would she have had to wonder if his feelings were different from hers, if he was just using her as a distraction?
Song Hemei stared at him intently. She couldn't bring herself to voice all those little thoughts from before, so she simply cut to the chase. "Don't worry about that. I have my own scale. What to blame you for is clear in my own mind. What you should do right now is apologize to me."
Yu Yeqing's long lashes trembled slightly. Obediently, he spoke. "I'm sorry."
Song Hemei nodded in satisfaction, a small smile creeping onto her lips. "That's more like it."
Her agitation was soothed by his compliance, and her view of him softened considerably. On second thought, words that lay bare one's true intentions were inherently difficult to speak, weren't they? How many married couples went their entire lives without ever saying such things? How could she have expected him, a man with no official status or recognition, dependent on the Song family for a living, to say them?
Since they had met again, even though his status was different than before, the matter with her elder brother still lay between them. If he thought she was the one who had wanted him dead back then, then it truly would have been hard for him to confess his feelings, no matter how deep they ran.
She understood him. In fact, thinking back to how she had asked him to go easy for Shao Wen'ang's sake, a pang of guilt arose, which soon turned into tender affection. She leaned down and gently embraced him, resting her chin on his shoulder. "But I know now."
Yu Yeqing's body stiffened noticeably. His free hand instinctively wrapped around her.
His palm rested gently on her back, holding her in a loose embrace, restraining the urge to pull her tightly into his arms.
But she still had something to say. Her voice was very soft, like the gentlest goose feathers brushing past his ears, one after another, wrapping around his neck, carrying the clean scent of soap from her body. Her tone was tinged with a sweetness that was perhaps because of him.
"I'm actually quite happy. Of course I want you to have feelings for me. The longer and deeper, the better. It has to be deeper than my feelings for you, for me to feel at ease."
Yu Yeqing felt that she probably had no idea how lethal these words were to him.
The endurance and restraint he had cultivated over so many years seemed, in that moment, to have had their seal undone by her own hand.
She had given him permission. His feelings, it turned out, did not disgust her—they actually made her happy.
Yu Yeqing's breath hitched. His arms tightened around her. He hesitated for a single moment, then, deciding, he pulled her over. Letting go of the hand he was holding, he wrapped both arms tightly around her, locking her in his embrace.
With a single pull, Song Hemei naturally ended up sitting sideways on his lap. His strength was immense; he held her so tight she could barely breathe. He was burying his face in the crook of her neck, as if he were breathing in her scent... Luckily, she had taken another bath this morning.
"Don't hold on so tight."
She raised a hand to pat his back, but it seemed to have no effect.
She let out a soft sigh. The wave of tender affection hadn't passed yet, so she decided to let him do as he pleased. Since she was already in his arms, she simply relaxed, letting her full weight rest against him.
After a few moments, Yu Yeqing's voice came out, muffled against her. "When will Madam Zhang arrive in Linzhou?"
He wanted to take her away from here. The sooner, the better—especially now.
Song Hemei did a quick mental calculation. "It shouldn't be too fast. I just settled things with Shao Wen'ang yesterday. Even in the best-case scenario, if he sent the letter yesterday, it would take several days just for it to arrive. Then it would take a few more days for her to travel here. There's no way to speed it up much. It'll take at least half a month? Ah, why did he have to be exiled so far away? If I'd known this would happen back then, I wouldn't have gone out of my way to get her sent off."
She heard Yu Yeqing let out a long, deep sigh. Even though he felt half a month was an unbearably long time, he had no choice but to endure it for now.
But Song Hemei was more philosophical about it. "Actually, there's no need to be too impatient. Things aren't so bad right now, are they? It doesn't stop us from seeing each other. In fact, if we see each other a little longer, he'd be only too happy."
Yu Yeqing paused, then slowly raised his head. "What do you mean?"
Song Hemei looked down at him. She had never been this close to him in broad daylight. Sitting on his lap, she was a bit taller than him. Looking down, she could even count his eyelashes. She felt she had never looked at him so closely in the daytime before.
His features were breathtakingly handsome. And when he looked at her now, there was no distance or coldness in his eyes, only a pure, sincere emotion, as if he wanted to fully capture her in his gaze.
She swallowed, unable to resist. She leaned down and gave his lips a quick peck. "What else could it mean? He thinks you have a history with the Song family, so he asked me to come and put in a good word for him."
Yu Yeqing's gaze grew heated at her action. His body felt like it was on fire. His heart pounded with a dull, heavy throb, as if something were about to break free from its restraints.
His arm around her waist tightened slightly, adjusting the position where she sat.
"And what do you want me to do for him?"
Song Hemei looked at him, surprised. "Surely you don't think I'd actually want you to go out of your way to take care of him? You are here on a censorial inspection by imperial order. While you don't need to go easy on him, you don't need to use this as a chance for personal vendetta either. If you truly provoke him, you'll only get yourself dragged into a mess. Using your position for personal gain wouldn't put you in the right, either."
Yu Yeqing acknowledged her words. He looked at her lips, then asked tentatively, "May I?"
His gaze was far too obvious. Song Hemei's heart jumped. She gently licked her lips. "You may."
Yu Yeqing no longer held back. His palm cupped her neck, pulling her head down, and he kissed her directly on the lips.
Skilled and meticulous in his pressure, emboldened by her deliberate tolerance, he easily breached the gap between her teeth, entwining with her tongue.
Song Hemei found it hard to breathe. She raised a hand to push him away, to tell him not to be so forceful, but it was no use. He quickly grew lost in the moment, and the hand that was stroking her felt far from innocent—it was carrying... a suggestion?
Song Hemei swallowed. If this continued, were they really going to do it here?
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