Chapter 3: Get Out and Kneel
As summer passed and winter arrived, once the weather turned cold, Gao Yunqu no longer made her go out to the courtyard to kneel and recite her texts. The study was laid with thick Western carpets; if she failed to complete her coursework, Gao Yunqu would punish her by having her continue reciting in the room. A brazier burned indoors, its warm heat seemingly enough to melt away a person's reason and self-control. Even someone as disciplined and hardworking as Fang Jian would inevitably experience some fatigue, making mistakes and stumbles unavoidable. Gao Yunqu could correct Fang Jian's memorization errors while drinking tea and leafing through the Capital Gazette. For Fang Jian, it was no longer cold, but the pressure had suddenly increased significantly.
Gao Yunqu knew her progress inside out. The assignments she gave were always slightly above her upper limit, requiring immense effort just to keep up. Thus, in the winter, the times she was punished and scolded increased.
Gao Yunqu looked at her a few times and knew where the problem lay. Setting down the Capital Gazette, she tapped the table with her fingertips. "Come here."
Hearing this, Fang Jian was about to stand up when Gao Yunqu threw another sentence at her: "Did I let you get up?"
Fang Jian knelt back down and shuffled forward on her knees until she was at Gao Yunqu's feet. Perhaps knowing that her condition had been poor these past few days, she lowered her head and remained silent.
Gao Yunqu's palm landed on the back of her neck, rubbing gently, sending a shiver through her body, but she did not hide, staying obediently under her hand.
"Afraid of me?"
"No..."
"Are you nervous in front of me? What if an examiner or even Her Majesty were standing right beside you?"
Fang Jian lowered her head, having nothing to say in response.
Gao Yunqu's hand slid down her neck to the front, lifting her chin. The remaining traces of adoration and attachment that the youth had not yet fully concealed pierced her eyes. Gao Yunqu dropped her smile and tightened her fingers, gripping Fang Jian's chin and pulling her a little closer. The youth felt the pain and let out a soft groan.
"Fang Jian. Do you know who the dignitary your parents offended is?" Gao Yunqu's voice carried a chill that far surpassed the harsh winter outside the window.
Fang Jian was held by the chin, unable to move, and Gao Yunqu did not wait for her answer, continuing on her own: "That is the heir to the Marquis of Qingcheng, the future Marquis of Qingcheng, a noble of the Principal Second Rank."
"Principal Second Rank. How many years do you guess it will take me to reach that position? Do you even have a chance to reach a position where a Second Rank noble would give you face? Let me guess what you are thinking. Getting anywhere is fine, passing the prefectural or provincial exams is enough, because Lord Gao will protect me anyway, right?"
Fang Jian struggled and shook her head, her eyes reddening. Gao Yunqu's words accurately stabbed into the softest part of her heart. She knew she shouldn't, but occasionally she would indulge in Gao Yunqu's kindness towards her, slacking off for just a moment. And Gao Yunqu tearing away this fig leaf right now was akin to a death by a thousand cuts.
"Fang Jian, oh Fang Jian. Haven't you read it? Serving others with beauty, how long can it last? Do your parents know you are so willing to degenerate yourself?"
Gao Yunqu's hand gripped Fang Jian's throat, slowly tightening. Amidst Fang Jian's painful struggles, she leaned close to her ear and said, "And what kind of upright gentleman do you take me for?"
A moment later, she released her hand and forcefully threw Fang Jian to the ground. Air rushed back into her heart and lungs. Fang Jian lay on the floor, her eyes brimming with tears, gasping heavily for breath.
"Get out and kneel. Don't get up until you have thought it through." Gao Yunqu tossed down these icy words and strode out of the study.
By the time Gao Yunqu returned from outside, the sky had already turned dark. Gao Yuan came up to help her take off her cloak. Gao Yuan had been her study companion since childhood; as they grew older, she became her personal attendant and now served as a sort of half-steward.
"Where is she?" Gao Yunqu's question lacked context, but Gao Yuan understood and replied with a smile, "Still kneeling."
"How long has it been?" Gao Yunqu frowned.
"It must be two whole sichen."
"Let's go take a look." She took a step, and Gao Yuan almost failed to keep up.
But Gao Yunqu did not enter the courtyard. She merely watched from afar as the youth's thin figure knelt there, swaying slightly as if about to fall.
Gao Yuan followed behind her and suddenly spoke up, "The Young Lady resembles you."
"Resembles me?" Gao Yunqu hooked the corner of her lips. "I was never a little wolf cub like that."
"How could an eagle destined to soar the skies abandon its flight due to a moment of confusion? You are being a little too harsh."
Gao Yunqu did not reply. She recalled that when she was young, she too had times kneeling there. She was naturally brilliant; no matter what it was, reading it twice was enough to memorize it. Her grandfather loved her and always kept her by his side. Later, when her grandfather passed away, her mother returned for Filial Mourning Leave and began supervising her studies. It was also near the end of the mourning period when her mother planned out her future. She refused; she did not want to be an official. Her mother scolded her, and provoked to fury by her retorts, beat her and punished her to kneel in the courtyard and reflect.
How long had she knelt that time? Three sichen or four sichen? Her mother, afraid she would ruin her legs, forcefully had someone drag her back, but still failed to make her bow her head.
What was it that finally made her compromise in the end? Oh right, it was that old scoundrel.
Gao Yunqu looked at that stubborn back, sighed, and said, "Go tell her to get up."
Gao Yunqu's basin of cold water had woken Fang Jian up, and the cold wind had cleared her dizzy mind. She reflected in the freezing wind and had to admit that Gao Yunqu was right; she had indeed become weak. The luxurious life in the Gao household had paralyzed her, making her forget that none of it belonged to her. With nothing having changed, she had almost become a vine clinging to others. She punished herself almost masochistically to remember this lesson.
But she also felt that Gao Yunqu was wrong about one thing. She said she was not a good person, but if she wasn't a good person, she should have just broken her wings so she could never fly again, keeping her forever as a caged bird in her hands. Why bother striking her with a stick to wake her up?
After this day, Fang Jian became even more diligent, studying as if her life depended on it. She was scolded less often, and occasionally she could even see a trace of satisfied approval on Gao Yunqu's face. In contrast to this was the torment at night.
Gao Yunqu reduced the number of times she called her over, but every time she did, she wore her down for a long time, tossing and turning her until she passed out from sheer exhaustion. Gao Yunqu seemed to have unlocked some restriction, becoming rougher each time.
She liked to grip her wrists, bind her hands behind her back, press down upon her, and push her entire upper body into the bedding. Then she would enter her from behind, taking her urgently and heavily, forcing her to let out gasping sounds. Or she would enter at varying speeds, keeping her in suspense, not letting her move, yet pressing her lips and teeth against her shoulders and back, biting and leaving marks, suppressing all her struggles. When she reached the peak and lost all strength, Gao Yunqu would release her gripped wrists, and just as she was about to slip down, catch her waist with one hand and continue to possess her. When she cried and tried to escape, she would yank her back and bury herself deep once more, provoking her cries and screams.
Gao Yunqu took immense pleasure in making her cry and beg, and even more pleasure in leaving marks on her body—bite marks, hickeys, or the red indentations left by her palms gripping her wrists and waist. It was as if she was physically telling her that serving someone with beauty meant being prepared to be ravaged.
Fang Jian vaguely understood something. The Gao Yunqu on the bed and the Gao Yunqu off the bed had entirely different thoughts and desires. On the bed, Gao Yunqu wanted her to submit, to cry, to beg, to become tender like water, to cling to her like dodder, controlling her inside and out completely. Off the bed, Gao Yunqu was strict to the point of harshness; she wanted her to be an eagle striking the vast sky, a towering tree standing upright. She could be stubborn or clumsy, but she could not be weak, she could not retreat, and she certainly could not act like a dependent child.
Fortunately, she still remembered that if things got too rough at night, she would be given an extra half-day off the next morning to catch her breath.
Every month, Gao Yunqu gave her a day off to go home and see her parents. The night before, Fang Jian had humiliatingly begged Gao Yunqu not to leave marks on her neck. With great interest, Gao Yunqu swapped their positions, making Fang Jian sit on her waist and hips, watching the young girl's confused eyes and demanding she move herself.
Thus, she watched as the young girl blushed entirely pink, trembling as she took Gao Yunqu's hand and, with eyes closed, placed it on her lower body. Thankfully, she was already wet enough, and the fingers entered exceptionally smoothly. Fang Jian tried to lift her body and slowly sit back down. Gao Yunqu's hand naturally buried deep inside her body and moved wickedly. Fang Jian whimpered and collapsed softly into her embrace. Not satisfied, Gao Yunqu sat up, pressed against her ear, and coaxed her to continue. So she tried hard to straighten her back again, swaying her slender waist. Gao Yunqu wrapped her other arm around her in an embrace, and Fang Jian rested her hands on her shoulders, pushing her body up and dropping back down, repeating the motion. However, the body is always cumbersome; she aroused her own desires but could never quite find satisfaction, eventually whimpering and begging Gao Yunqu again.
Gao Yunqu endured it for a long time before finally pinning her onto the bed, biting down on her breast while thrusting her fingers in and out, making her cry out loud.
When she woke up the next day, there were indeed no marks on Fang Jian's neck, but hidden beneath the collar of her robes was a mottled mess.
Walking out of the Gao residence and returning to the familiar streets and alleys, Fang Jian actually felt a sense of unfamiliarity. Her parents still wore the same loving expressions, preparing meticulous meals for her, rambling on telling her not to worry about home and to work hard for her benefactor. The simple tea and plain food she tasted, and the old clothes on her parents that contrasted like mud to the clouds of her brocade robes, deeply burned her eyes. Out of her parents' line of sight, she clutched her collar; only she knew the debauched state hidden underneath.
She felt she somewhat understood now. This was the very thing Gao Yunqu wanted her to see and remember every day—to remember what she was, and what she needed to do.
Author's Notes
Li Bai, A Concubine's Thin Fate.
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