Chapter 44: Restless
It was the Lantern Festival again. This was the first time Fang Jian had been away from Gao Yunqu for so long. Walking through the lantern market in Qinzhou, all her mind could conjure up was walking alongside Gao Yunqu during the Lantern Festival that year. Her back, her hands, her soft laughter—it felt as though that silhouette was still beside her, yet when she reached out, it vanished.
At night, she tossed and turned. It felt as though there was a fire within her body; despite the quiet winter night, it made her too restless to sleep. In matters of sex, she had been initiated by Gao Yunqu. Unlike her bright and clear demeanor in official matters, in private virtue, Gao Yunqu was by no means a proper person. She gave free rein to her emotions and her desires, otherwise, she wouldn't have kept Fang Jian by her side for five years. She never hid her desires, nor did she ever conceal her craving for Fang Jian. When she wanted it, she did it, and when she did it, she did it to her heart's content, which was a different level of candor. Initially, Fang Jian had been shy and bashful. The education she received from a young age dictated that these were secretive matters; even parents and teachers treated them as taboos. In her youth, she vaguely felt it was not a good thing and dared not explore it. But Gao Yunqu taught her to face her desires directly, to enjoy intimacy, and to comply with the body's needs. There was nothing to run from. Being in bed with Gao Yunqu was mostly joyous. Gao Yunqu liked it when she cried, but it couldn't be considered abuse. She preferred pushing her to the point of dissociation, losing herself in extreme pleasure. She also liked exploring her, taking her to try different ways of playing, letting her be dominated by desire, stained with the colors of lust. Over time, Fang Jian also became accustomed to it. Whatever Gao Yunqu wanted, she would do. Although she still felt shy, she was no longer afraid or resistant; she even learned how to cooperate with Gao Yunqu so that they both could experience greater pleasure.
Fang Jian felt her legs grow weak and numb. From a certain spot, a fine, tingling itch began to spread, throwing her heart and mind into disarray. She closed her eyes, her mind completely filled with Gao Yunqu—the slender waist beneath her wide-sleeved official robes, the collarbones half-hidden by her inner garments, the shoulders with water droplets rolling off during a bath, the smooth and delicate back when embracing her, the supple waist and abdomen revealed when clothes were shed. It was a body she was incredibly familiar with, and also the source of desire she could no longer conceal. She discovered that she not only wanted to bloom beneath Gao Yunqu, but she also wanted Gao Yunqu to reveal an expression stained by lust beneath her.
Her body grew increasingly restless. She realized that merely thinking of Gao Yunqu had already made her thoroughly wet. She squeezed her legs together, gently grinding her thighs. A slight pleasure flowed from her lower body throughout her entire body, but it was not enough. That tiny bit of pleasure could not soothe the surging tides of her heart; rather, it felt like an invitation, making the tides surge even more thoroughly.
Biting her lip, she unfastened her inner garment with trembling hands. Her palm slipped inside the clothes, touching her own skin. Closing her eyes, she imagined caressing Gao Yunqu. The heat of her skin rose, burning away her sanity. As she stroked her own breasts, she thought of Gao Yunqu's bosom. Gao Yunqu's body was slender, yet her bosom was plumper than her own. What would it feel like to touch? If grasped, would the flesh be as soft as white clouds? If gently jiggled from the bottom edge, would they bounce, sending ripples of flesh? What was the delicate sensation of lips kissing that plump chest? Would teasing the nipples make them stand erect? Would gently pinching the tips make her let out a soft and charming voice?
Restlessly, Fang Jian kicked off the blanket. Her body was screaming with craving, and sweat seeped out, making her skin slightly sticky. She stroked downwards along her torso. Her own abdomen was softer; although she had practiced horseback riding and archery for a while, it was primarily to strengthen her body, and she was not considered skilled. Afterward, Gao Yunqu liked to hold her from behind, gently kneading her waist and abdomen. The hot palm rubbing against her sensitive waist and abdomen would often reignite her desire and trigger another round of demands. Gao Yunqu, on the other hand, practiced martial arts year-round. Her body was thin but strong. Firm muscles wrapped around her bones, pulling into beautiful curves when flexed—her arms, shoulders and back, thighs, and lower abdomen. Her abdomen was firm, smooth, and powerful. What would it feel like beneath the hand? What would it be like to knead it? In bed, she was mostly controlled by Gao Yunqu, generally clinging to her. She had touched her before, but still hadn't dared to be overly familiar. Yet on this night, separated from Gao Yunqu by thousands of miles, she allowed herself a momentary transgression, fantasizing about every detail of Gao Yunqu's body.
Not enough, not enough. Her body grew increasingly empty. She wanted someone to hold her, wanted someone to forcefully meld them together. Letting out a sigh, Fang Jian undid her waistband and slipped her hand inside her trousers, touching her own soft and fragile place.
Her first time masturbating was on Gao Yunqu's bed. Gao Yunqu stared at her nakedly and demanded she do it for her to see. She never disobeyed Gao Yunqu's commands, so, blushing furiously and summoning all her courage, she slowly spread her tightly closed legs before her, displaying her muddy, wet core. Touching herself felt different from Gao Yunqu touching her. Even though it was her own hand, it felt exceptionally foreign. She mimicked how Gao Yunqu played with her, touching the pearl hidden within the soft flesh, her fingertips coated in her own slick wetness, teasing, pressing, and circling. She was an excellent student; within a few strokes, she had grasped the essence. Gao Yunqu merely watched from the side, yet Fang Jian felt as though she was being plucked by invisible hands, the tides of passion growing fiercer. Guided by Gao Yunqu's hoarse instructions, she brought herself to climax. Her core contracted, spitting out dewdrops. She gasped heavily, letting out uncontrollable whimpers and moans. Then, Gao Yunqu pressed down upon her, lightly kissing her earlobe to reward her obedience. Her fingers smoothly thrust in using the wetness and stickiness, prodding the still-sensitive inner walls, easily making her struggle and tremble as she scaled the peak once more.
The flesh beneath her fingers was soft and plump, her fingertips sinking in with ease. Fang Jian tensed her body, lowering her waist and thrusting her hips upward, allowing her fingers to sink deeper. The jade bead at the tip was the most sensitive place of all. Swollen and engorged with blood from the previous fantasies and touches, it was painfully hard. Fang Jian bypassed it, rubbing the soft flesh around it. The pleasure was like gentle waves, washing against the shore wave after wave. Complying with the body's invitation, Fang Jian alternated between light and heavy touches, while her other hand tightly gripped the bedding beneath her, the veins on the back of her hand standing out beautifully. She came very quickly. Logically, no one knew her needs better than she did herself, but amidst her heavy panting, her heart still screamed out in dissatisfaction.
She pressed against the bead and petals that were still throbbing after the climax, gently caressing to prolong the afterglow, and then probed her fingertips inside her body. Pushing aside the tightly squeezed soft flesh, she slowly thrust deep. Being enveloped by the warm, wet passage was a different sensation. She slowly pumped her fingers in and out, but it still felt wrong. She couldn't feel possession or satisfaction; rather, the deeper she went, the emptier she felt. She grew increasingly anxious. Sweat beaded on her forehead. She simply pulled her hand out, rolled onto her side, clamped the blanket between her legs, and thrust her waist against it, but it was better than nothing. Tormented by desire, she was burning inside, her waist and legs weak.
Going in and out of the passage was an invasion and an embrace; it required feeling the presence of another person. But at this moment, Fang Jian only had herself. She fantasized about possessing Gao Yunqu, imagining how tight and warm Gao Yunqu's passage would be, craving for Gao Yunqu to reveal a wanton and joyous expression beneath her, guessing what kind of bewildering look Gao Yunqu would have when she achieved release. Her mind was entirely filled with possessing someone else; how could she ever find satisfaction by invading herself?
The fire of lust burned, and her mind was dizzy. In a daze, she felt something meandering down her nasal cavity. Jolting awake, she sat up. Bright red blood dripped onto her pristine white inner garment, blooming into a jarring color. She hastily wrapped herself up, holding her nose with one hand, jumped out of bed, and opened the door to call Xiuzhu, who was sleeping next door.
Xiuzhu draped a coat over herself and came over, her eyes heavy with sleep. Seeing her miserable state, she stared blankly for a long moment before revealing a meaningful expression.
"Good Xiuzhu, hurry and help me." Fang Jian covered her nose, her entire face blushing red with shame.
"Alright, let me see." Snickering secretly, Xiuzhu helped her clean it up and assisted her into a clean set of inner garments. "The winter days are dry. You should drink more water on regular days, Young Lady."
"Mmm... I know." Fang Jian was as obedient as a child, deeply afraid Xiuzhu might see through her.
On the night of the Lantern Festival, the moonlight was bright and clear. Even separated by thousands of mountains and rivers, when people in different places raised their heads, they gazed up at the exact same bright moon and the exact same night sky.
Gao Yunqu sat in her study, the windows wide open. With a turn of her head, she could see the bright moon outside. Hugging a pot of wine, she slowly sipped it beneath the moonlight, lost in unknown thoughts.
Gao Yuan walked in and urged, "Lord, it is late. Are you still not going to rest?"
Gao Yunqu was uncharacteristically willful: "I don't want to. I can't sleep."
Gao Yuan sighed, "Ever since the Young Lady moved out, you have been sleeping less and less."
"What does it have to do with her?" Gao Yunqu frowned. The path she walked was along a precipitous cliff; the further forward she went, the greater the pressure. Her silence didn't mean the burden didn't exist. In the dead of the night when no one was around, she too had moments of unbearable exhaustion.
"When the Young Lady was around, you could still relax a bit." Gao Yuan's words were pointed, earning her a glare from Gao Yunqu. After thinking for a moment, she suggested, "How about you visit Yuehe Hall to have some fun?"
"Get lost," Gao Yunqu scolded with a laugh, tossing the empty cup into her arms.
Gao Yuan hurriedly caught the cup, set it on the desk, and said with concern, "Then I will take my leave. Rest early. Call for me if you need anything."
"Just go. What could possibly happen to me?" Gao Yunqu waved her off, and Gao Yuan withdrew.
Too lazy to fetch the cup, Gao Yunqu took another two sips directly from the spout of the pot. Perhaps because Gao Yuan had brought it up, those thoughts of Fang Jian poured out like floodwaters breaking a dam.
She never considered herself an upright gentleman. She had selfish motives and desires. Her philosophy was to follow her desires and face her true self with candor. She desired the political ideal of a clean and honest administration, so she worked towards it steadily, step by step, focusing solely on the goal without asking about the gains and losses. She liked Fang Jian, so she unhesitatingly locked her in her grasp, training her into the shape she desired.
She was not like Dai Yao, who possessed a romantic and dissolute nature, wandering among a thousand flowers and lamenting the shortness of spring nights every day. When she used to visit Yuehe Hall, she never stayed the night. She wasn't actually too engrossed in sexual affairs, and sometimes she couldn't even understand Dai Yao's amusements. Dai Yao always said she was like an old pedant, rigid and boring, but she thought that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But Fang Jian became the exception. The very first time she laid eyes on Fang Jian, Gao Yunqu wanted her. So she followed her heart and played the villain who took advantage of another's precarious situation. She never imagined she would become so infatuated with a child ten years her junior that she'd lose her reason, repeatedly pinning her to the bed until she cried and begged for mercy. She even braved Dai Yao's teasing gaze to ask her for erotic illustrated books, secretly learning some new tricks.
She had hesitated for a long time over the decision to let Fang Jian leave. But once she made up her mind, it was as if she truly severed everything from the past with a single stroke, neither reminiscing nor longing. She didn't know how many times, as she watched Fang Jian follow respectfully by her side, unwittingly exposing her fragile neck, her heart screamed to possess and violate her, holding her hostage to her desires. She used all her strength to restrain herself, so as not to reveal any flaws in front of Fang Jian. The teacher-student relationship was her request, so naturally, she couldn't break it herself. Thus, everything concerning Fang Jian was sealed away by her, unknown to anyone.
Gao Yunqu cursed Gao Yuan silently. Having been reminded of Fang Jian made her even more unable to sleep. She stood up, drew the longsword hanging on the wall, gathered her qi and leapt out of the window. With a flick of her wrist, she brandished a sword flower and spun into the air. In the late-night courtyard, the moonlight flowed like water; the figure was startlingly graceful as the silver dragon danced and the sword hummed. Through repetition after repetition of her sword techniques, she forced her boiling heart to quiet down once more. The path she had to walk did not require anyone to travel alongside her.
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