Chapter 19: It Shouldn't Be
Song Hemei found her sister-in-law's words utterly absurd.
What did she mean by going regardless of whether an amicable divorce happened or not?
Since when did the Shao family have such great face that she, no matter her status, had to share their glory and disgrace?
Her expression cooled slightly, but before she could speak a refusal, Qiu Wan quickly added, "Elder Sister-in-law only asks you to consider the family—think of your elder brother, and of Jilang."
Qiu Wan's tone carried a hint of pleading now. "You must know your elder brother's been busy lately, right? He says it's a new business, but it's still tied to the Shao family. I'm just a woman who knows nothing of officialdom or business, but I can see he's lost weight and looks haggard. On the day you married out, he drank so much—he was happy."
She ticked off on her fingers. "Your brother's been hard at work for over half a year now, pouring so much effort into it. Over a mere concubine, you're making such a fuss with the Shao family. It's not worth it. Look at your daily expenses—your room's furnishings, your food and clothes. Every bit has to be carefully nurtured. And that 'careful nurturing' is inseparable from silver."
Song Hemei lowered her eyes and did not answer.
Truth be told, she wanted to say that the family's wealth was already quite ample. Why did they have to cling to the Shao family for new business?
But the moment the thought crossed her mind, she already knew the answer. Growing up in a merchant family, even if slow-witted, she understood that in business, not advancing meant retreating.
Either it grew every day, or one waited to be devoured by others.
Yet she couldn't accept it. She couldn't help thinking: Why wasn't it her who went out to do business with Father, and her elder brother who married into the Shao family?
After all, he was so full of propriety; he surely would have settled the Shao household properly.
But thinking was in vain. It was she who had climbed into the Shao family's bridal sedan chair. From the very moment the Shao and Song families became intertwined, her fate was sealed—she was destined to marry into the Shao family as First Young Master Shao's wife.
If it weren't for Cao Lingchun, she would have been lucky. Even if she married out for the Song family, she would have married someone she loved.
But where did "if" exist in this world? Cao Lingchun and the child in her belly couldn't vanish into thin air. The Shao family was destined to be a sickening piece of fat to her. She even thought she would rather she and Shao Wen'ang had never fallen in love in the first place.
Compared to being deceived for five years by someone she adored, she could better accept marrying a complete stranger. No feelings meant no pain.
Seeing that Song Hemei kept her head down, lost in thought for a long time without a reply, Qiu Wan grew anxious and spoke even more bluntly: "You—you don't know the price of rice and firewood when you don't run the household. If you don't marry into the Shao family, can you stay home forever? One more mouth means another grain of rice to eat. Since you hate Shao Wen'ang for his fickle heart, you should marry him all the more—eat the Shao family's rice, that would be a fine revenge."
Song Hemei lifted her eyes, her expression strange and hard to read.
She finally understood. Her sister-in-law was sick of her.
She had only just had the thought of not marrying into the Shao family, and this was what her sister-in-law said. If one day she stayed home as an old maid, after her parents passed away, how would she survive under her sister-in-law's thumb?
Her sister-in-law had always treated her kindly before.
Only now did she realize that this kindness was reserved for a sister-in-law who would marry the prefect's eldest son, not for an old maid left at home to eat her brother's and sister-in-law's free rice.
Song Hemei sighed. Her pity for her sister-in-law mingled with her own grievance, making her unwilling to say anything more. "Sister-in-law, please go back. I need to think this over properly."
She had given a dismissal, but she wasn't sure Qiu Wan truly understood. Before leaving, Qiu Wan kept instructing: "You must think carefully, and don't be muddle-headed. If you can't figure it out, send someone to find me, and I'll talk you through it."
Song Hemei forced a smile to see her off, then slumped onto the bed, utterly dejected.
After lying there for a while, she skipped the morning meal the whole family had shared. Anxiety made her eyelids heavy, so she called for her maids to help her change clothes.
The maids were about to discard the old clothes according to the usual rule, but Song Hemei suddenly remembered the clean scent of soap on her outer robe when she picked it up that morning.
"Wait."
She propped herself up and called out, "Keep this one. Have the washerwoman give it a good scrub and put it away for me."
Though puzzled, the maids followed the mistress's orders.
Song Hemei shut herself in her room for the whole day. When she woke again, the sun seemed to be setting.
She suddenly remembered that Yu Yeqing would come today as usual to accompany her younger brother in his studies. If she went now, she might still catch him.
She sat up quickly and called out, "Someone, help me change."
The maids filed in and began to dress and apply her makeup in the usual elaborate way. She waved them all away. She simply twisted her hair into a bun, stuck in a red agate dangling hairpin, and hurried out, forbidding anyone to follow.
Her courtyard wasn't far from her younger brother's. If she waited at the connected moon-gate, she was bound to catch him.
As luck would have it, just as she arrived, she heard voices from not far away: "What the tutor taught today was really hard to understand. Young Master Yu, when will you give me your notes? Didn't you promise yesterday you'd have them today?"
Song Hemei turned her head and saw Yu Yeqing walking half a step behind her younger brother. His expression was as cold and aloof as ever. He nodded at the boy's question. "Apologies. I have broken my word. I will bring them tomorrow for certain."
Song Hemei thought: No wonder.
Yesterday, even before he could leave the residence, she had dragged him to her room. After he returned home, they had kept at it until deep into the night. When would he have had the leisure to write any notes?
Feeling responsible, she stepped forward with a proper air. "If someone else writes your notes for you, is that really studying on your own?"
Song Jilang heard his elder sister's voice and happily ran over. "Second Sister, I thought you really were going to shut yourself in your room forever and see no one. I can understand not seeing Father, Mother, and Elder Brother, but why not even me?"
He looked up at her with eyes that shone with both reproach and affection and delight.
Song Hemei smiled and patted his head. Then she felt a gaze land on her.
She instinctively looked up and met Yu Yeqing's deep eyes.
Her hand paused. They had only parted this morning, she had just been in his arms. Now, meeting like this, formally, returning to their usual roles—there was an indescribable taste to it.
Probably this was what it felt like to be a thief with a guilty conscience. Yu Yeqing greeted her with a respectful clasp and a polite "Second Miss Song," yet she felt his voice sounded different from before.
She couldn't say how it was different, only that it was the sort of difference that would let a discerning listener know something had entangled them.
She cleared her throat twice to steady herself, then smiled at him. "Jilang is still young and doesn't understand. Don't take it to heart, Young Master Yu. It's fine if you give him the notes a few days late."
She meant a proper few days late, but she didn't expect Yu Yeqing's expression to shift at her words.
A light flickered in his eyes, then his Adam's apple bobbed. As if struggling to control himself, he asked, "Then… how many days late?"
Song Hemei felt as if thunder had exploded in her heart. The heat spread from her neck all the way to her ears.
For some reason, she understood his meaning. One day late—that was because they had been entangled the day before. A few more days late meant she wanted to continue yesterday's business.
If it were just a suggestive remark, she wouldn't have blushed. But Yu Yeqing had the gall to twist her words right in front of her younger brother!
Did he think she would hint at bedroom matters in front of her little brother?
Song Hemei's lips twitched. "Arrange it as you see fit, Young Master Yu. As long as it doesn't delay Jilang's studies."
She looked down at her younger brother's slightly puzzled gaze. Afraid that he might catch her embarrassment, she immediately covered his eyes and pushed his shoulders to turn him around.
"Go pay your respects to Father and Mother. Father cares a lot about your lessons. How long has it been since he last examined you?"
Song Jilang pouted. "I don't want to. I want to play with Second Sister."
By "play," he meant flying kites or playing pitch-pot. In the past, she had often kept him company, but ever since she started preparing for her marriage—embroidering her wedding gown, learning etiquette—she had been busy with everything and naturally neglected him.
Her heart softened. "Alright. Go find Father first. I'll wait for you in your courtyard."
Song Jilang tugged at her skirt, unwilling to let go. Song Hemei coaxed a few more words before he finally left.
When only she and Yu Yeqing remained, she could relax a little. "Come, Young Master Yu. I'll see you out."
She walked ahead, and he followed half a step behind—just as before.
But Song Hemei's state of mind was different. The man behind her seemed to tread heavier than she did, and his shadow on the ground loomed much taller than hers. If he shifted his position just a little, his shadow would swallow hers whole.
Just like in the depth of night, when his broad shoulders held her tightly, and no matter how violently they moved, he never let her slip from his embrace.
The farther she walked, the more oppressed Song Hemei felt. She abruptly stopped and turned around. Yu Yeqing, as if he had been watching her all along, stopped in time and looked down at her.
She gritted her teeth. "Can you not walk behind me?"
Yu Yeqing's expression flickered. "What?"
Song Hemei lifted her chin and met his gaze directly. "Walk beside me. Don't walk behind me. You're not my maid or my servant. You're my younger brother's tutor. Why keep to a servant's etiquette?"
Yu Yeqing's eyes trembled slightly. His voice came out low and hoarse. "Alright."
When they moved forward again, he walked shoulder to shoulder with her.
With him beside her, the intangible pressure lessened, and she unconsciously slowed her pace.
At that moment, she felt an inexplicable urge to confide.
Perhaps because he was taciturn by nature and wouldn't say anything to vex her.
Perhaps because Yu Yeqing was a good elder brother and could understand the bitterness she was going through.
Or perhaps because they had done what only husbands and wives did, and he was the man in this world closest to her heart.
At any rate, her worries and sorrows needed an outlet, and it seemed only Yu Yeqing was the most suitable to hear them.
"Tell me, should I return to the Shao residence?"
Yu Yeqing's body stiffened abruptly. The ringing in his ears almost made him miss what the person beside him said.
So—she had come to regret it after all?
At this very moment, in the daylight following their intimacy.
Yu Yeqing felt he should say something, but his throat was tight, and he couldn't get a single word out.
But the woman by his side pressed him. "Why aren't you saying anything?"
Yu Yeqing swallowed hard. It took a long while before he found his voice. "Has Second Miss come to regret it?"
Song Hemei pursed her lips. "I'm asking you, so why are you asking me back?"
Yu Yeqing closed his eyes. He knew in his heart what he ought to answer.
He should tell her she ought to go back. A family like that was best for her.
But his selfishness wouldn't let him say it. After a long silence, he slowly breathed out his answer. "You shouldn't."
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